Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture Thoughts

If tomorrow is the end of the world, my daughter won't make it to her first birthday and this troubles me. If I am raptured tomorrow, I assume my daughter will come with me, which is more than we can say for my husband. Now, Heaven is supposed to be a pretty amazing place, right? You'll never go hungry and all your wildest dreams come true in the presence of God, or so I've heard. How can this be? I love my kid more than anything, but part of that is knowing that I'll get to watch her grow up. Does this mean I'm going to be stuck with an 11 month old for all of eternity? Because, that doesn't sound so appealing. Will I get to watch her grow up in Heaven? If this is true, then I must also age and that really doesn't sound like a lot of fun. I feel old enough as it is. But, if I do get older then eventually, I'd die or something, right? Or will Heaven be filled with nothing but raggedy old people in about 50 years? Then who will pay our Social Security? Are you able to have children in Heaven? Won't we get over-crowded? I'll miss my dogs a lot.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Top 10: Most Quoted Movies of all Time

(With help from my facebook friends)

10. Star Wars - While I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, I could rattle off a few quotes if challenged. You can also find quotes from these movies in other movies like Tommy Boy and television shows like Family Guy. Star Wars is probably the most ripped-off movie of all time. Again, I’ve never seen it, but I’m pretty sure I know the whole story based on hearing bits of it here and there. May the (ever so nerdy) force be with you.

9. A Christmas Story - I thought (for years) that this movie was a special part of my upbringing, but turns out, it was a special part of almost everybody’s upbringing. I love this movie. I have seen it no less than 100 times and my family can not stop quoting it every year from about September to mid February.

9a. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation - If it isn’t A Christmas Story, it’s this one.

8. The Jerk - I feel like this movie should be further up the list than this, but maybe that is because I share a deep connection with this film. From “He hates these cans” to “That’s all I need,” Steve Martin wears this character so well it is impossible to look at a thermos the same way ever again.

7. This is Spinal Tap - (and it goes up to 11)

6. Office Space - At least three times in recent years, I have posted a status update on face book for the sole purpose of starting an Office Space Quote-off.

5. Forrest Gump - Face it. Whenever you get a box of chocolates, you want to say it. Plus, we all know when you see someone sprinting down a dirt road in leg braces, or a college player headed full speed for the end zone, you’re biting your tongue.

4. The Wizard of Oz - Okay, I know that’s old school and not something you sit around quoting with your friends. Fact is, this movie is such a part of childhood that it travels with you and you eventually find some way some how to throw in a “there‘s no place like home“ or “and your little dog, too!”

3. I’m giving the #3 spot to all those films with one quote that got completely out of hand.
3a. “I’ll be back”
3b. “Show me the money!”
3c. “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth.”
3d. “I’m king of the world!”

2. Airplane - Yes, I’m serious and no, don’t call me Shirley. One of the silliest movies of all time with excellent jokes that would land you in jail these days. “Bobby, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

1. Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail - Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh would.

Honorable Mentions: There’s Something About Mary, The Big Lebowski, Idiocracy, Zoolander, Clerks, and Napoleon Dynamite.

Monday, February 21, 2011

B-movie Review: Teeth

Year: 2007

Starring: That girl from "Guiding Light" and That guy from "Nip / Tuck"

Favorite line in the movie: "I haven't even jerked off since Easter!"

Favorite prop made for the movie: A detailed sketch of a hairy vagina

"Teeth" opens with beautiful panoramic views of suburban America and an original soundtrack reminiscent of early Danny Elfman work. We see tree-lined streets with nice houses, kids on their bicycles and shiny new cars. Then, we see the cooling towers from the power plant in the background. I guess we can assume this is a nuclear power plant, although the key element required for such a thing (a large body of water) is absent. The black smoke tips us off, even though most of us know "smoke" from a cooling tower is actually steam and therefore white, but that's beside the point. We then see our hero and her brother as children. They are in an inflatable pool in the front yard of their home, parents chain-smoking and partaking in some good 'ol fashioned mid-day drinking behind them.

Within the first five minutes of the movie we see evidence of both child abuse and sexual assault between various family members. We then learn the two children are actually step-siblings (this is important for later plot points, so it is repeated a second time to make sure even the most idiotic viewers are sure to catch the hint).

Flash-forward to present day and we see Dawn (our hero) giving a speech about the importance of abstinence more cheesy than I ever thought possible. Much to my surprise (really), we learn that she is actually serious. Dawn is a pure soul with no intentions of being led astray by her peers and their impure desires. She doodles wedding dresses in the margins of her notebooks and has fantasy after fantasy of her wedding day and finally getting to do the nasty with the man of her dreams. She only watches G-rated movies and she's never kissed a boy.

Then we meet the other child from the pool scene, Brad (an actor I really enjoyed in the TV show Nip / Tuck [Matt] and he seems to have brought the same character with him). Brad is an asshole. He is a "type A" asshole that disrespects his girlfriend, plays metal music loud in his parents' house, has a rottweiler trained to kill, wears shirts with the sleeves cut off, and he has a tattoo of a dragon (yes, a dragon) in the middle of his chest.

Through some twists and turns of badly-written plot, Dawn finds herself a victim of date rape, which is where my *favorite line of the movie* comes into play. She fights the guy off of her but he is stronger and pins her down and forces himself inside of her. (The scene is more cheesy than anything else, but in text it seems disturbing, doesn't it?) So, there he is, doing his thing and then... crunch ... He screams like a little girl and tries to fight his way off of her. After a bit of a struggle, he finally breaks away (still screaming like a girl) and we see him standing over her. A dramatic zoom into his nether-regions reveals a bloody mess where his penis used to be. Oh, the horror!

Our hero doesn't know what happened to her forceful lover and decides to seek medical attention. After another similar experience at a gynecologist office, Dawn simply uses google to learn she has an "adaptation" as she calls it. A "toothed vagina," if you will. She finds some Greek mythology on the subject and learns that only her "hero" would be safe inside her, leading us into the classic "true love trumps all" plot line. Somewhere along the line, though, she decides to use her "gift" against those she hates... and any other guy that simply rubs her the wrong way (no pun intended).

Along with a sub-plot of Dawn's dying mother, a sexy cast of malicious young men, copious amounts of squirting blood and a hidden moral not unlike those found in teen television dramas, "Teeth" presents a new take on "the girl next door" sure to leave you rolling hysterically in the isles. Not only is the premise completely ridiculous, but the acting is almost good enough to make you believe this is an actual attempt at a horror movie. Even the ever-present nuclear cooling towers looming in the background of nearly every outdoor shot serve as a nice little reminder that you're watching a completely under-rated cult classic. I give this movie 3 out of five high-pitched screams.

"Teeth" is currently available for instant streaming on Netflix so feel free to check this gem out.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

How's That Hopey-Changey Thing Working Out?

Excuse me while I step up onto my liberal soap box and exercise my freedom of speech.


Let's talk about bumper stickers for a bit. It seems I see more and more every day, and I think they're maybe getting more and more ridiculous each day. I guess its the easiest way to let everyone know exactly what type of person you are with a 10in x 3in quirky quote. Who comes up with these things? Here's a few of my favorite.

Does anyone else see anything funny about this? Pro-life and also Pro-gun? What are guns for? Protection, huh? So, someone is "coming right for you" and you're going to do what? Shoot them, right? Wouldn't that run a very high risk of killing them? That's not very pro-life of you, tisk tisk, sir. Oh, they're for hunting you say? So, you see a deer or a duck or a mongoose or whatever you're hunting and you shoot it, right? You know, that might kill it. What's that? The gun is a family heirloom from your great uncle Jimmy that fought in the war? WAR? That gun was designed to go to war to do what? Open care packages?

Look, I don't care if you own a gun. I, personally, don't like them too much and prefer not to own one. You can have 50 guns for all I care, but you should at least realize that they were made to serve one purpose.

"Yeah, speak English cuz thems people that're diff'rent from me is bad people." English came from England. Spanish came from Spain. German from Germany, etc. I guess if we follow this logic, being an American should mean speaking the native dialects of whatever region you're in.
Um. Sure, that'll teach 'em!

What!? You'd rather be torturing people? The same person that puts this bumper sticker on their car was cursing Michael Vick a few years back for being mean to dogs. Don't get me wrong, I hate Vick for that too, but how is it acceptable to torture a human and not a dog. Those dogs were bad dogs. They were raised to be mean dogs and trained to fight to kill. So were those people being waterboarded. What I'm trying to say is there has to be a line somewhere.
Stupid Jimmy Carter with his silly "human rights" ideas. Wasting all that time founding the Department of Education and leading Habitat for Humanity. That Nobel Peace Prize was a waste on that guy, eh?
Sissy? Oh, right. That's a slang word comparable to "faggot" but they can't use that word anymore. Here's a perfect example of that bully on the playground. He was big and mean. He would hurt and humiliate anybody he could. He did this because he couldn't make any friends and he wasn't smart enough to have school work to do. Timeless "my brain don't work so I'll poke fun at you" syndrome. Big truck = Big bully. Little car = substandard human (i.e. gay)

Where do these people get the idea that "liberals" want to take their money and give it away to people that just sit on their asses all day? Oh, I'll get you, Glenn Beck! Just a little reminder of just a few of the programs that are funded by the tax payers: Medicare, Medicaid, Women Infants and Children, Roads, Libraries, Schools. Now, there are people that abuse the system, yes, I'm not going to argue that. However, you can not do away with these programs because there are people that need them. Are you going to tell your grandma not to get her broken hip operated on because that money might reflect a 0.5 cent shortage on your paycheck? Are we going to close all of the libraries because it isn't "fair" that you have to pay taxes to buy books for people that can only afford to rent them? [Oh, and to my fellow Floridians: Shut the fuck up because we don't even pay local taxes like most of the rest of the country]


Stepping down from the box now. I just wanted to show you one last thing. You might want to shield the eyes of any young children that might be around before viewing it, though. It is quite grotesque and honestly, the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Plugged in Again

Yay, I have the internet again! 18 weeks without cable or internet has taught me a very important lesson: Always pay your cable bill.

I thought maybe I'd come out of this a "better person" with a "better understanding" of the world around me.


I came out of these 18 long weeks vowing to let my car payments slide to keep the internet on next time I'm facing poverty.

So, people of the internet, what have I missed while I was gone? Any great new memes I should know about? A YouTube parody of the season's number one hit single? Another video of the Westborough Baptist Church standing together as douche bags? I have some catching up to do, as well as some writing.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Days Without The Internet

Having a baby is expensive and taking two months off without pay is not only necessary, but detrimental on one’s financial situations. I like my house, car, electricity, phone and cable a lot. Unfortunately, I had to choose when paying bills and Comcast was at the end of the line. After two months without a payment, my cable box was actually repossessed. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait…… Yes, repossessed like an unpaid car or an organ transplant I couldn’t afford. My cable box was repossessed!! I didn’t know this was possible and I can’t think of anything more embarrassing for my neighbors to see. Being that I’m surrounded by old white ladies that have nothing better to do than look out their windows, I’m sure everyone saw this guy come take my cable box away. As I write this, I have been without cable or internet for six weeks. (As of press time, it has been over two months!)

I was certain I would break down after being offline for an hour or so. I am addicted to the internet in a bad, bad way. The first day was hard, the second day was a little easier and by the end of week four it wasn’t physically painful anymore. I imagine this is what it feels like to quit smoking, but I have never done that and probably never will. Hey, addiction runs *strong* in my genes.

While offline, there were some necessary online tasks to take care of, as there always are. I have applied for several jobs, and I needed to go online for that. I needed an internet connection when I wanted to check my bank account or upload photos. Other than that, I could get my small fixes through my phone (thank God for my droid). When it was necessary for me to get online, I headed to Starbucks where I decided that America’s somewhat new fascination with over-priced coffee is probably synonymous with WiFi.

So, what have I been doing with my time? Remember, I was also out my 250 cable channels, DVR and OnDemand. That’s right, unplugged. Well, I re-discovered my love of the Sims games and wanted to write a huge blog about being able to create your own world and play “God.” But, I failed to ever get that idea from my head to my laptop and eventually got bored watching my Sim character watch tv and use his computer. (jackass.)

I then turned to the Wii for fun, but I don’t really have money to buy new games and there’s only so many times one can go virtual bowling before the novelty not only wears off but becomes completely annoying, and oddly enough, physically strenuous. I wanted to post a blog about the timeline of video games from my childhood to now. How did we go from Pong to Call of Duty so fast and what the hell kind of games will there be in another 20 years?! Again, I failed to get that idea from my head to my laptop.

I tried reading but there are too many books in my house thanks to my lit-nerd husband and I can’t seem to stay focused on a novel long enough before starting a new book and then I get my story lines crossed and then I get a headache because in this day and age, humans are not meant to read anything more than a blog or magazine article at a time. [Run-on or not, that sentence was fun to write and illustrates my point of rapid thinking and it’s connection to the dumbification of America.] (crap, I did it again)

I did all of those new mom things like changed diapers and folded tiny clothes, and thought about my how-to mommy hood blog that I would write and save lives with somehow. I watched a lot of movies from my Netflix queue and decided I wanted to start a movie review blog dedicated solely to B-Movies (I’m sure that’s never been done before *sarcasm is key*).

So, What have I been doing with my time? Thinking about blogging. How can I get people to read my blog? What is interesting to other people? Why do I even write a blog (three blogs, actually)? When will I finally feel great about a blog that I’m writing? Who reads these blogs anyway? Why does the word “blog” sound so funny after you say it ten times?

I’ve always been a fan of observational stand up comedy and feel like my blog is a good way for me to express that without the risk of rejection, or worse than that, silence. I’m constantly trying to find humor in everything I do just so I can write a long-winded diatribe full of run-on sentences (and too many parentheses [and punctuation marks!!]). Am I succeeding? No, not really. Do I feel good about the things I post? Yeah, mostly. Is there a line between a rant and art? Yes. Have I crossed it? Who knows. Aren’t I awesome at answering my own questions? I sure am.

To quote the timeless classic (and one of my favorite movies of all time) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:
“The internet is a place where nerds and geeks go to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. It has given everyone in America a voice and apparently everyone in America has chosen to use it.”

Ben Affleck was speaking the truth, no doubt. Because everyone in America (and most of the world) has this new voice, it is used by most people; therefore, drowning out one another making every voice tiny and barely recognizable. Does that make the original voice worth having? Every shit head teenager has a webcam and a YouTube channel dedicated to their favorite guy-liner wearing pop-punk band’s deep and meaningful lyrics that totally describe exactly how they’re feeling. And every headstrong 20-something that knows everything has a sarcastic blog, full of run-on sentences, and, of course, too many punctuation marks (and parentheses).


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Cliché? Touché!

Oh, I never thought this post would come out of me, but here it is. My, how my life has changed.

I never wanted kids. They're messy and loud and you have to watch them 24/7 and sometimes they're even ... sticky. Gross. Who would want that?

Oh, but there was one fateful night in Orlando after many drinks and sing-a-longs that changed my kid-less future plans for me. [I'm not going to say that Pat O'Brien's causes babies to be made, but I think it helped.]

Two weeks later I got my period. Then it stopped an hour later. Then I started getting a little sick and my bra was suddenly painful. I found myself googling "period blood blocked?" because the thought of pregnancy was so distant in my mind. Another week later, I finally peed on a stick just to rule out pregnancy.

I didn't rule it out.




I was very sad about it because this meant that I was actually going to have an abortion, and I was hoping never to do that. I really didn't want a baby though, so that was my only logical option. I was a complete mess at the time. Drunk every night, embarrassing myself on a regular basis, burning bridges faster than I could build them, living in a broken house with two other people both of them at least 5 years younger than me. I was living the life of a kid just out of their parent's house, but I had moved out of my mom's house 9 years before then. There was no way I could bring a baby into that, and what solidified that thought was the fact that I really didn't ever want to have children. They're sticky, remember?

The next day I went to work with swollen eyes from crying all night. I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours so I took my lunch break a little early and, being slightly disoriented, I bumped into the break room table, hitting my lower abdomen on the corner. I immediately and involuntarily grabbed my stomach in a panic as if to say "are you ok?" to the clump of cells inside me. I sat down and grasped what had just happened. I wanted to protect it. Whatever "it" was. I didn't want a baby, but I was protective of the first stages of one. Then, I could feel it. There was a life inside of me and it freaked me out, but what's more than that is the fact that I cared about it.

I changed my mind.

I'm going to have this baby.

Pregnancy was terrible, and I'm still suffering from the unplanned c-section (another blog with that whole story will be written one day). Not to mention the emotional and financial strain of an unplanned pregnancy and the eventual newborn baby that follows. Ugh, what a mess it was.

Kennedy Louise Kane was born at 1:16am on June 8th, 2010.

Kennedy has changed my life completely and she is the reason for everything I do. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything on Earth. People told me certain things about this unconditional love when I was pregnant:

"You'll wonder what you did before having a baby"

"You will experience a completely new kind of love"

"You will enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to feed her"

"You will miss those sleepless nights with a newborn"

They are all true. I am so infatuated with this little thing. This tiny version of me that smiles every time she sees me. She laughs at my jokes, even though she doesn't even know they are jokes. Her smile and laugh melt my heart every day and when she does something for the first time I cry happy tears. This little thing I made in my body is growing and learning. I care so much about everything she does and it is all fascinating to me still.

As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I realized that there is no greater feeling in the world than having her head on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my arm. I can hear her little baby breath and tiny baby moans right in my ear. The feeling of her little body cuddled up to mine, knowing that she feels safe in my arms, is incredible. That spot on my shoulder will always be there for her head to lay on when she needs it. After a long day at the park, after a bad day at school, the first time a boy breaks her heart, after her first car accident, when she comes home from college for Christmas, on her wedding day, when she has a baby... I can't wait to be there for all of it, and be the one person that she will always feel safe with.

I didn't think I would be this way. I am a walking cliché. I am a mom.