Oh, I never thought this post would come out of me, but here it is. My, how my life has changed.
I never wanted kids. They're messy and loud and you have to watch them 24/7 and sometimes they're even ... sticky. Gross. Who would want that?
Oh, but there was one fateful night in Orlando after many drinks and sing-a-longs that changed my kid-less future plans for me. [I'm not going to say that Pat O'Brien's causes babies to be made, but I think it helped.]
Two weeks later I got my period. Then it stopped an hour later. Then I started getting a little sick and my bra was suddenly painful. I found myself googling "period blood blocked?" because the thought of pregnancy was so distant in my mind. Another week later, I finally peed on a stick just to rule out pregnancy.
I didn't rule it out.
Positive.
Pregnant.
Shit.
I was very sad about it because this meant that I was actually going to have an abortion, and I was hoping never to do that. I really didn't want a baby though, so that was my only logical option. I was a complete mess at the time. Drunk every night, embarrassing myself on a regular basis, burning bridges faster than I could build them, living in a broken house with two other people both of them at least 5 years younger than me. I was living the life of a kid just out of their parent's house, but I had moved out of my mom's house 9 years before then. There was no way I could bring a baby into that, and what solidified that thought was the fact that I really didn't ever want to have children. They're sticky, remember?
The next day I went to work with swollen eyes from crying all night. I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours so I took my lunch break a little early and, being slightly disoriented, I bumped into the break room table, hitting my lower abdomen on the corner. I immediately and involuntarily grabbed my stomach in a panic as if to say "are you ok?" to the clump of cells inside me. I sat down and grasped what had just happened. I wanted to protect it. Whatever "it" was. I didn't want a baby, but I was protective of the first stages of one. Then, I could feel it. There was a life inside of me and it freaked me out, but what's more than that is the fact that I cared about it.
I changed my mind.
I'm going to have this baby.
Pregnancy was terrible, and I'm still suffering from the unplanned c-section (another blog with that whole story will be written one day). Not to mention the emotional and financial strain of an unplanned pregnancy and the eventual newborn baby that follows. Ugh, what a mess it was.
Kennedy Louise Kane was born at 1:16am on June 8th, 2010.
Kennedy has changed my life completely and she is the reason for everything I do. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything on Earth. People told me certain things about this unconditional love when I was pregnant:
"You'll wonder what you did before having a baby"
"You will experience a completely new kind of love"
"You will enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to feed her"
"You will miss those sleepless nights with a newborn"
They are all true. I am so infatuated with this little thing. This tiny version of me that smiles every time she sees me. She laughs at my jokes, even though she doesn't even know they are jokes. Her smile and laugh melt my heart every day and when she does something for the first time I cry happy tears. This little thing I made in my body is growing and learning. I care so much about everything she does and it is all fascinating to me still.
As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I realized that there is no greater feeling in the world than having her head on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my arm. I can hear her little baby breath and tiny baby moans right in my ear. The feeling of her little body cuddled up to mine, knowing that she feels safe in my arms, is incredible. That spot on my shoulder will always be there for her head to lay on when she needs it. After a long day at the park, after a bad day at school, the first time a boy breaks her heart, after her first car accident, when she comes home from college for Christmas, on her wedding day, when she has a baby... I can't wait to be there for all of it, and be the one person that she will always feel safe with.
I didn't think I would be this way. I am a walking cliché. I am a mom.
Weird.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Typical Rant of a Teenage Girl
I'm not a teenager anymore, obviously.
Sometime shortly after puberty but before college, everything became a bigger deal than it ever was before. At least on a social level, that is. What would once annoy me a little bit, suddenly became reason enough to kill myself. Ah, high school...
Most people leave that behind though, right? Most people let go of the drama and the gossip, don't they? I thought so, but even in my mid 20s I still see these things happening everywhere around me. At home, at work, at the gas station, at the bus stop, in my bowl of soup... people fight. And people are mean.
Person A (we'll call him Preston): "I like soup. I like soup more than anyone."
Person B (we'll call him Jimmy): "People don't like soup, you fucking moron!"
Preston: "Well, Jimmy, I happen to like soup just fine. It is warm and fills my belly."
Jimmy: "Ok, some people like soup, but they are stupid people. Plus, it is only warm sometimes and if it's just broth, it won't completely fill your belly."
Preston: "Fuck you! Soup is good!"
Jimmy: "Chicken soup is the worst!"
Preston: "Chicken soup is the only kind of soup there is, asswipe. Where do you get off talking about soup that way? You're such a dumb fuck!"
Jimmy: "Soup is disgusting and I hate it, just like I hate you."
Preston: "I hear soup is better in bowls. Why don't you try soup in a bowl before judging all soups?"
Jimmy: "Quit telling me what to do, fuck face!"
Preston: "But..."
Jimmy: "No. Fuck you. Soup is the worst thing ever, and my family has more money than yours and they all agree. So, Preston, you're wrong. Deal with it."
Its all the same fight over and over again, right? Geez. Why can't people just enjoy some damn soup?
Sometime shortly after puberty but before college, everything became a bigger deal than it ever was before. At least on a social level, that is. What would once annoy me a little bit, suddenly became reason enough to kill myself. Ah, high school...
Most people leave that behind though, right? Most people let go of the drama and the gossip, don't they? I thought so, but even in my mid 20s I still see these things happening everywhere around me. At home, at work, at the gas station, at the bus stop, in my bowl of soup... people fight. And people are mean.
Person A (we'll call him Preston): "I like soup. I like soup more than anyone."
Person B (we'll call him Jimmy): "People don't like soup, you fucking moron!"
Preston: "Well, Jimmy, I happen to like soup just fine. It is warm and fills my belly."
Jimmy: "Ok, some people like soup, but they are stupid people. Plus, it is only warm sometimes and if it's just broth, it won't completely fill your belly."
Preston: "Fuck you! Soup is good!"
Jimmy: "Chicken soup is the worst!"
Preston: "Chicken soup is the only kind of soup there is, asswipe. Where do you get off talking about soup that way? You're such a dumb fuck!"
Jimmy: "Soup is disgusting and I hate it, just like I hate you."
Preston: "I hear soup is better in bowls. Why don't you try soup in a bowl before judging all soups?"
Jimmy: "Quit telling me what to do, fuck face!"
Preston: "But..."
Jimmy: "No. Fuck you. Soup is the worst thing ever, and my family has more money than yours and they all agree. So, Preston, you're wrong. Deal with it."
Its all the same fight over and over again, right? Geez. Why can't people just enjoy some damn soup?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Adam and Steve: Bigotry in America
I feel like talking about a current event today. The economy sucks, the ocean is flammable, brown people are being discriminated against, there's a new political party with all the wrong motives, 55 million Americans still aren't able to get decent health care, local government elections have become a joke, and over 10% of the [employable] population is out of work.
Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?
Anyway.
California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.
Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.
Here are a few of them:
1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.
2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).
3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.
5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.
6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"
I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.
In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.
The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."
*Stepping off my soapbox now*
Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.
Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?
Anyway.
California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.
Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.
Here are a few of them:
1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.
2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).
3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.
5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.
6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"
I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.
In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.
The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."
*Stepping off my soapbox now*
Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Captain Obvious!
I see funny things on the internet that aren't so obvious, I guess. Either that or I'm just good at noticing the little things. Or maybe, I just have a simple mind that thinks most things are silly. I'm a firm believer that humor can be found in just about anything. (anything but flying spiders - that's just frightening)
Facebook is now recommending things it thinks I will like because the internet is getting way too smart. A lot of these recommendations are based on other pages that I've "liked" and the suggestions look a little bit like this:
No shit? People that like NPR also have a sense of humor? I also got one that said "Tom Waits - Many who like Man Man like this." For those of you that don't know, Tom Waits is a musical Facebook is also really good at making me feel pretty worthless by reminding me that I have no friends in Jacksonville.
Facebook is trying to be a good friend here and recommend things I might like, and let me know just how many *potential* friends I could make in Jacksonville. Facebook isn't very good at calming me. Facebook is a bad friend.But, there's always Google. Google and I have been good friends for a long time. When I have a question about something life-threatening, something of little interest, or even something that will help me win a bet, Google is there for me. Google even tries to fill in the rest of the search bar when I look for something just to keep me from having to type it out. For example, when wondering how my baby was developing when I was 23 weeks pregnant, all I had to type in was "23" and Google finished it with "weeks pregnant." Brilliant! Sometimes, though, Google is either (a) wrong or (b) assuming I'm a sadistic fuck that blacks out in fits of fatal rage.
One of those things is not like the other.
The internet, in general, is in control of a lot more than we think. Do I think computers will take over after somehow gaining artificial intelligence? No.
Well.
At least not in my lifetime, anyway.
Here's a fine example of how the internet was trying to throw the last Presidential election through subliminal messages:
Notice the date there. Just two weeks before the election. Tisk tisk, internet.
I've saved the best one for last. My personal favorite example of how targeting you internet advertising market isn't working.
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