B-movie Review: Teeth

Year: 2007

Starring: That girl from "Guiding Light" and That guy from "Nip / Tuck"

Favorite line in the movie: "I haven't even jerked off since Easter!"

Favorite prop made for the movie: A detailed sketch of a hairy vagina

"Teeth" opens with beautiful panoramic views of suburban America and an original soundtrack reminiscent of early Danny Elfman work. We see tree-lined streets with nice houses, kids on their bicycles and shiny new cars. Then, we see the cooling towers from the power plant in the background. I guess we can assume this is a nuclear power plant, although the key element required for such a thing (a large body of water) is absent. The black smoke tips us off, even though most of us know "smoke" from a cooling tower is actually steam and therefore white, but that's beside the point. We then see our hero and her brother as children. They are in an inflatable pool in the front yard of their home, parents chain-smoking and partaking in some good 'ol fashioned mid-day drinking behind them.

Within the first five minutes of the movie we see evidence of both child abuse and sexual assault between various family members. We then learn the two children are actually step-siblings (this is important for later plot points, so it is repeated a second time to make sure even the most idiotic viewers are sure to catch the hint).

Flash-forward to present day and we see Dawn (our hero) giving a speech about the importance of abstinence more cheesy than I ever thought possible. Much to my surprise (really), we learn that she is actually serious. Dawn is a pure soul with no intentions of being led astray by her peers and their impure desires. She doodles wedding dresses in the margins of her notebooks and has fantasy after fantasy of her wedding day and finally getting to do the nasty with the man of her dreams. She only watches G-rated movies and she's never kissed a boy.


Then we meet the other child from the pool scene, Brad (an actor I really enjoyed in the TV show Nip / Tuck [Matt] and he seems to have brought the same character with him). Brad is an asshole. He is a "type A" asshole that disrespects his girlfriend, plays metal music loud in his parents' house, has a rottweiler trained to kill, wears shirts with the sleeves cut off, and he has a tattoo of a dragon (yes, a dragon) in the middle of his chest.

Through some twists and turns of badly-written plot, Dawn finds herself a victim of date rape, which is where my *favorite line of the movie* comes into play. She fights the guy off of her but he is stronger and pins her down and forces himself inside of her. (The scene is more cheesy than anything else, but in text it seems disturbing, doesn't it?) So, there he is, doing his thing and then... crunch ... He screams like a little girl and tries to fight his way off of her. After a bit of a struggle, he finally breaks away (still screaming like a girl) and we see him standing over her. A dramatic zoom into his nether-regions reveals a bloody mess where his penis used to be. Oh, the horror!

Our hero doesn't know what happened to her forceful lover and decides to seek medical attention. After another similar experience at a gynecologist office, Dawn simply uses google to learn she has an "adaptation" as she calls it. A "toothed vagina," if you will. She finds some Greek mythology on the subject and learns that only her "hero" would be safe inside her, leading us into the classic "true love trumps all" plot line. Somewhere along the line, though, she decides to use her "gift" against those she hates... and any other guy that simply rubs her the wrong way (no pun intended).

Along with a sub-plot of Dawn's dying mother, a sexy cast of malicious young men, copious amounts of squirting blood and a hidden moral not unlike those found in teen television dramas, "Teeth" presents a new take on "the girl next door" sure to leave you rolling hysterically in the isles. Not only is the premise completely ridiculous, but the acting is almost good enough to make you believe this is an actual attempt at a horror movie. Even the ever-present nuclear cooling towers looming in the background of nearly every outdoor shot serve as a nice little reminder that you're watching a completely under-rated cult classic. I give this movie 3 out of five high-pitched screams.

"Teeth" is currently available for instant streaming on Netflix so feel free to check this gem out.

How's That Hopey-Changey Thing Working Out?

Excuse me while I step up onto my liberal soap box and exercise my freedom of speech.

*ahem*

Let's talk about bumper stickers for a bit. It seems I see more and more every day, and I think they're maybe getting more and more ridiculous each day. I guess its the easiest way to let everyone know exactly what type of person you are with a 10in x 3in quirky quote. Who comes up with these things? Here's a few of my favorite.


Does anyone else see anything funny about this? Pro-life and also Pro-gun? What are guns for? Protection, huh? So, someone is "coming right for you" and you're going to do what? Shoot them, right? Wouldn't that run a very high risk of killing them? That's not very pro-life of you, tisk tisk, sir. Oh, they're for hunting you say? So, you see a deer or a duck or a mongoose or whatever you're hunting and you shoot it, right? You know, that might kill it. What's that? The gun is a family heirloom from your great uncle Jimmy that fought in the war? WAR? That gun was designed to go to war to do what? Open care packages?

Look, I don't care if you own a gun. I, personally, don't like them too much and prefer not to own one. You can have 50 guns for all I care, but you should at least realize that they were made to serve one purpose.


"Yeah, speak English cuz thems people that're diff'rent from me is bad people." English came from England. Spanish came from Spain. German from Germany, etc. I guess if we follow this logic, being an American should mean speaking the native dialects of whatever region you're in.
Um. Sure, that'll teach 'em!

What!? You'd rather be torturing people? The same person that puts this bumper sticker on their car was cursing Michael Vick a few years back for being mean to dogs. Don't get me wrong, I hate Vick for that too, but how is it acceptable to torture a human and not a dog. Those dogs were bad dogs. They were raised to be mean dogs and trained to fight to kill. So were those people being waterboarded. What I'm trying to say is there has to be a line somewhere.
Stupid Jimmy Carter with his silly "human rights" ideas. Wasting all that time founding the Department of Education and leading Habitat for Humanity. That Nobel Peace Prize was a waste on that guy, eh?
Sissy? Oh, right. That's a slang word comparable to "faggot" but they can't use that word anymore. Here's a perfect example of that bully on the playground. He was big and mean. He would hurt and humiliate anybody he could. He did this because he couldn't make any friends and he wasn't smart enough to have school work to do. Timeless "my brain don't work so I'll poke fun at you" syndrome. Big truck = Big bully. Little car = substandard human (i.e. gay)

Where do these people get the idea that "liberals" want to take their money and give it away to people that just sit on their asses all day? Oh, I'll get you, Glenn Beck! Just a little reminder of just a few of the programs that are funded by the tax payers: Medicare, Medicaid, Women Infants and Children, Roads, Libraries, Schools. Now, there are people that abuse the system, yes, I'm not going to argue that. However, you can not do away with these programs because there are people that need them. Are you going to tell your grandma not to get her broken hip operated on because that money might reflect a 0.5 cent shortage on your paycheck? Are we going to close all of the libraries because it isn't "fair" that you have to pay taxes to buy books for people that can only afford to rent them? [Oh, and to my fellow Floridians: Shut the fuck up because we don't even pay local taxes like most of the rest of the country]

*ahem.*

Stepping down from the box now. I just wanted to show you one last thing. You might want to shield the eyes of any young children that might be around before viewing it, though. It is quite grotesque and honestly, the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.

My Days Without The Internet

Having a baby is expensive and taking two months off without pay is not only necessary, but detrimental on one’s financial situations. I like my house, car, electricity, phone and cable a lot. Unfortunately, I had to choose when paying bills and Comcast was at the end of the line. After two months without a payment, my cable box was actually repossessed. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait…… Yes, repossessed like an unpaid car or an organ transplant I couldn’t afford. My cable box was repossessed!! I didn’t know this was possible and I can’t think of anything more embarrassing for my neighbors to see. Being that I’m surrounded by old white ladies that have nothing better to do than look out their windows, I’m sure everyone saw this guy come take my cable box away. As I write this, I have been without cable or internet for six weeks. (As of press time, it has been over two months!)

I was certain I would break down after being offline for an hour or so. I am addicted to the internet in a bad, bad way. The first day was hard, the second day was a little easier and by the end of week four it wasn’t physically painful anymore. I imagine this is what it feels like to quit smoking, but I have never done that and probably never will. Hey, addiction runs *strong* in my genes.

While offline, there were some necessary online tasks to take care of, as there always are. I have applied for several jobs, and I needed to go online for that. I needed an internet connection when I wanted to check my bank account or upload photos. Other than that, I could get my small fixes through my phone (thank God for my droid). When it was necessary for me to get online, I headed to Starbucks where I decided that America’s somewhat new fascination with over-priced coffee is probably synonymous with WiFi.

So, what have I been doing with my time? Remember, I was also out my 250 cable channels, DVR and OnDemand. That’s right, unplugged. Well, I re-discovered my love of the Sims games and wanted to write a huge blog about being able to create your own world and play “God.” But, I failed to ever get that idea from my head to my laptop and eventually got bored watching my Sim character watch tv and use his computer. (jackass.)

I then turned to the Wii for fun, but I don’t really have money to buy new games and there’s only so many times one can go virtual bowling before the novelty not only wears off but becomes completely annoying, and oddly enough, physically strenuous. I wanted to post a blog about the timeline of video games from my childhood to now. How did we go from Pong to Call of Duty so fast and what the hell kind of games will there be in another 20 years?! Again, I failed to get that idea from my head to my laptop.

I tried reading but there are too many books in my house thanks to my lit-nerd husband and I can’t seem to stay focused on a novel long enough before starting a new book and then I get my story lines crossed and then I get a headache because in this day and age, humans are not meant to read anything more than a blog or magazine article at a time. [Run-on or not, that sentence was fun to write and illustrates my point of rapid thinking and it’s connection to the dumbification of America.] (crap, I did it again)

I did all of those new mom things like changed diapers and folded tiny clothes, and thought about my how-to mommy hood blog that I would write and save lives with somehow. I watched a lot of movies from my Netflix queue and decided I wanted to start a movie review blog dedicated solely to B-Movies (I’m sure that’s never been done before *sarcasm is key*).

So, What have I been doing with my time? Thinking about blogging. How can I get people to read my blog? What is interesting to other people? Why do I even write a blog (three blogs, actually)? When will I finally feel great about a blog that I’m writing? Who reads these blogs anyway? Why does the word “blog” sound so funny after you say it ten times?

I’ve always been a fan of observational stand up comedy and feel like my blog is a good way for me to express that without the risk of rejection, or worse than that, silence. I’m constantly trying to find humor in everything I do just so I can write a long-winded diatribe full of run-on sentences (and too many parentheses [and punctuation marks!!]). Am I succeeding? No, not really. Do I feel good about the things I post? Yeah, mostly. Is there a line between a rant and art? Yes. Have I crossed it? Who knows. Aren’t I awesome at answering my own questions? I sure am.

To quote the timeless classic (and one of my favorite movies of all time) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:
“The internet is a place where nerds and geeks go to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. It has given everyone in America a voice and apparently everyone in America has chosen to use it.”

Ben Affleck was speaking the truth, no doubt. Because everyone in America (and most of the world) has this new voice, it is used by most people; therefore, drowning out one another making every voice tiny and barely recognizable. Does that make the original voice worth having? Every shit head teenager has a webcam and a YouTube channel dedicated to their favorite guy-liner wearing pop-punk band’s deep and meaningful lyrics that totally describe exactly how they’re feeling. And every headstrong 20-something that knows everything has a sarcastic blog, full of run-on sentences, and, of course, too many punctuation marks (and parentheses).


(!?.!?.!?.!?.!?.)

Adam and Steve: Bigotry in America

I feel like talking about a current event today. The economy sucks, the ocean is flammable, brown people are being discriminated against, there's a new political party with all the wrong motives, 55 million Americans still aren't able to get decent health care, local government elections have become a joke, and over 10% of the [employable] population is out of work.

Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?

Anyway.

California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.

Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.

Here are a few of them:

1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.

2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).

3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.

4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.

5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.

6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"

I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.

In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.

The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."

*Stepping off my soapbox now*

Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.