Captain Obvious!

I see funny things on the internet that aren't so obvious, I guess. Either that or I'm just good at noticing the little things. Or maybe, I just have a simple mind that thinks most things are silly. I'm a firm believer that humor can be found in just about anything. (anything but flying spiders - that's just frightening)

Facebook is now recommending things it thinks I will like because the internet is getting way too smart. A lot of these recommendations are based on other pages that I've "liked" and the suggestions look a little bit like this:

No shit? People that like NPR also have a sense of humor? I also got one that said "Tom Waits - Many who like Man Man like this." For those of you that don't know, Tom Waits is a musical genius drunk uncle and Man Man is a band that seemed to copy his songs verbatim and somehow make them a little more hipster-y. (That picture isn't as funny, as it requires a description)

Facebook is also really good at making me feel pretty worthless by reminding me that I have no friends in Jacksonville.

Facebook is trying to be a good friend here and recommend things I might like, and let me know just how many *potential* friends I could make in Jacksonville. Facebook isn't very good at calming me. Facebook is a bad friend.

But, there's always Google. Google and I have been good friends for a long time. When I have a question about something life-threatening, something of little interest, or even something that will help me win a bet, Google is there for me. Google even tries to fill in the rest of the search bar when I look for something just to keep me from having to type it out. For example, when wondering how my baby was developing when I was 23 weeks pregnant, all I had to type in was "23" and Google finished it with "weeks pregnant." Brilliant! Sometimes, though, Google is either (a) wrong or (b) assuming I'm a sadistic fuck that blacks out in fits of fatal rage.


One of those things is not like the other.

The internet, in general, is in control of a lot more than we think. Do I think computers will take over after somehow gaining artificial intelligence? No.

Well.

At least not in my lifetime, anyway.

Here's a fine example of how the internet was trying to throw the last Presidential election through subliminal messages:

Notice the date there. Just two weeks before the election. Tisk tisk, internet.

I've saved the best one for last. My personal favorite example of how targeting you internet advertising market isn't working.

In My RIGHT Mind*

Jacksonville, my current home town, is one of the most segregated cities I've been to. There are several neighborhoods and they are all made up of people of the same race and financial class. For example, the beaches are made up of mostly middle class white people, Avondale is made up of mostly upper class white people, Springfield is mostly poor black people (and a few hipsters), and Riverside is mostly 20-somethings that work in the restaurant industry (and a few hipsters). I live in Murray Hill which is, essentially, old white people waiting to die (and a few hipsters) surrounded by bad neighborhoods. My neighborhood is quite nice, but the surrounding streets are filled with ghetto.

Winn-Dixie is the closest grocery store to my house, and although I much prefer Publix, I end up at Winn-Dixie when I need something quick. I hate that place and the people that shop there. Every time I go in there I leave with raised blood pressure while questioning my political beliefs and "the system."

I go there to buy a few necessary things:
Diapers (because my baby goes through a lot of them)
Jelly (because all I can afford to eat for lunch is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
Store brand chips (because I can't afford Lays or Ruffles)
and Milk (so I can whip up some amazing Hamburger Helper for dinner)

We eat Hamburger Helper twice a week as a "fancy" dinner. We have not had steaks, chicken or fresh vegetables in quite some time. We don't have money because we spent $650/month for health care while I was pregnant and I'm on an unpaid maternity leave. Plus, the added expense of diapers, formula and tons of doctor's visits.

I was one of the 55 million uninsured Americans when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately applied for Medicaid but was denied because I "make too much money." I was also denied short term disability so my time off work would be completely unpaid.

So, I'm in Winn-Dixie buying scraps of food in order to not starve every day and I see a girl a little younger than me. She's in her early 20s and pregnant. She's pushing a cart with two other children in it, one about 4 years old and the other was about 3. The 3 year old was looking through her mom's Coach bag for her Channel lipstick. I watched her as she made her selection of steak cuts from the meat section. I was jealous, as I have not purchased any luxuries in quite some time.

I made my way through the store and to the check out line, where she was in front of me with her kids and her fine meat products. I watch her place steaks, formula, salad, potatoes, cookies, cereal and a cake onto the food treadmill and eventually pull out her EBT card to pay for it all. She was using food stamps. Government money. Taxpayer's money to buy these things, these delicious delicious things.

Here she is, probably unemployed as it is the middle of a week day, buying food I can't afford with money that's coming out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them. Pregnant with her third child, using Medicaid to pay for her doctor's visits. Medicaid that comes out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them.

The system, as it stands basically breaks down like this:
Work hard to just make enough to get by on your own - no help for you in case of an unexpected pregnancy or any other life-changing situation that may hinder your ability to buy decent things.
Have a couple of kids and sit on your ass all day - have everything for free!!

I've even seen commercials recently that explain that if you're already receiving free health care and food stamps, you can probably get a cell phone for free, too! My God! Why do any of us actually work in the first place? Oh yeah, to buy ghetto child-factories steaks.

This instance was not a first. Every time I'm in that store I see the same thing, and every time it causes me to rant about how these people are getting handouts when I, and actually contributor to society, can't afford more than peanut butter.


*WARNING: If read incorrectly, this blog may lead reader to believe the writer is a republican. Failure to notice the writer is actually quite liberal may result in inappropriate comments, unruly political debates, internet bullying, sarcasm, internal injury or even death. Please use precaution when reading this blog post as the writer will not be held responsible for improper interpretation.

Social Networking Fashion Trends

Recently I've found that "skinny jeans" are all the rage with young hipsters. The first time I saw a pair was at the Mall of Georgia about five years ago. I couldn't understand how this kid (a guy) could (a) find pants that small or (b) fit into them. I was positive this wouldn't catch on because it looks as completely ridiculous as these guys wearing their belts just above the knee.

Sadly, I was wrong and skinny jeans were flying off shelves everywhere. The Gap even found a way to use old pictures of Audry Hepburn to advertise them.


This advertisement proves two things:
(1) royalty rights will pay off forever
(2) Fashion trends are rarely "new" and tend to cycle through every 30 years or so.

That's why I'm refusing to delete my MySpace profile.

Hear me out.

Back in the 90s, bellbottoms came back into style. Why? Well, that's a question no one can answer seriously, but that's beside the point. When I was an easily influenced teenager in the 90s, I bought a pair of bellbottoms. (Don't hate) I thought I was cool in them. (stop hating)

Well, I thought I was cool in them until my friend Lisa showed up at school rocking her mom's old bellbottoms straight out of the 60s. Damn. I can't compare my lame ass Gap bellbottom jeans to these authentic jeans that still smelled like Woodstock. I was quite jealous of Lisa, who always found a way to bring the rarity of her jeans into every conversation around the lunch table for an entire semester. (bitch)

Anyway, I refuse to delete my MySpace profile for that reason. The same reason Lisa's mom didn't throw those jeans away. Will it make me cool later when people go back to the site and see that I've been a dedicated member since 2005? Will Tom notice I'm the only member left in three years and send me some of his cash for sticking with him all these years? Probably not. But at least I know there's a glimmer of hope for finally getting back at Lisa and feeling like I'm, for once, on top of the fashion game.