The Typical Rant of a Teenage Girl

I'm not a teenager anymore, obviously.

Sometime shortly after puberty but before college, everything became a bigger deal than it ever was before. At least on a social level, that is. What would once annoy me a little bit, suddenly became reason enough to kill myself. Ah, high school...

Most people leave that behind though, right? Most people let go of the drama and the gossip, don't they? I thought so, but even in my mid 20s I still see these things happening everywhere around me. At home, at work, at the gas station, at the bus stop, in my bowl of soup... people fight. And people are mean.

Person A (we'll call him Preston): "I like soup. I like soup more than anyone."
Person B (we'll call him Jimmy): "People don't like soup, you fucking moron!"
Preston: "Well, Jimmy, I happen to like soup just fine. It is warm and fills my belly."
Jimmy: "Ok, some people like soup, but they are stupid people. Plus, it is only warm sometimes and if it's just broth, it won't completely fill your belly."
Preston: "Fuck you! Soup is good!"
Jimmy: "Chicken soup is the worst!"
Preston: "Chicken soup is the only kind of soup there is, asswipe. Where do you get off talking about soup that way? You're such a dumb fuck!"
Jimmy: "Soup is disgusting and I hate it, just like I hate you."
Preston: "I hear soup is better in bowls. Why don't you try soup in a bowl before judging all soups?"
Jimmy: "Quit telling me what to do, fuck face!"
Preston: "But..."
Jimmy: "No. Fuck you. Soup is the worst thing ever, and my family has more money than yours and they all agree. So, Preston, you're wrong. Deal with it."

Its all the same fight over and over again, right? Geez. Why can't people just enjoy some damn soup?

Adam and Steve: Bigotry in America

I feel like talking about a current event today. The economy sucks, the ocean is flammable, brown people are being discriminated against, there's a new political party with all the wrong motives, 55 million Americans still aren't able to get decent health care, local government elections have become a joke, and over 10% of the [employable] population is out of work.

Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?

Anyway.

California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.

Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.

Here are a few of them:

1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.

2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).

3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.

4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.

5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.

6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"

I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.

In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.

The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."

*Stepping off my soapbox now*

Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.

Captain Obvious!

I see funny things on the internet that aren't so obvious, I guess. Either that or I'm just good at noticing the little things. Or maybe, I just have a simple mind that thinks most things are silly. I'm a firm believer that humor can be found in just about anything. (anything but flying spiders - that's just frightening)

Facebook is now recommending things it thinks I will like because the internet is getting way too smart. A lot of these recommendations are based on other pages that I've "liked" and the suggestions look a little bit like this:

No shit? People that like NPR also have a sense of humor? I also got one that said "Tom Waits - Many who like Man Man like this." For those of you that don't know, Tom Waits is a musical genius drunk uncle and Man Man is a band that seemed to copy his songs verbatim and somehow make them a little more hipster-y. (That picture isn't as funny, as it requires a description)

Facebook is also really good at making me feel pretty worthless by reminding me that I have no friends in Jacksonville.

Facebook is trying to be a good friend here and recommend things I might like, and let me know just how many *potential* friends I could make in Jacksonville. Facebook isn't very good at calming me. Facebook is a bad friend.

But, there's always Google. Google and I have been good friends for a long time. When I have a question about something life-threatening, something of little interest, or even something that will help me win a bet, Google is there for me. Google even tries to fill in the rest of the search bar when I look for something just to keep me from having to type it out. For example, when wondering how my baby was developing when I was 23 weeks pregnant, all I had to type in was "23" and Google finished it with "weeks pregnant." Brilliant! Sometimes, though, Google is either (a) wrong or (b) assuming I'm a sadistic fuck that blacks out in fits of fatal rage.


One of those things is not like the other.

The internet, in general, is in control of a lot more than we think. Do I think computers will take over after somehow gaining artificial intelligence? No.

Well.

At least not in my lifetime, anyway.

Here's a fine example of how the internet was trying to throw the last Presidential election through subliminal messages:

Notice the date there. Just two weeks before the election. Tisk tisk, internet.

I've saved the best one for last. My personal favorite example of how targeting you internet advertising market isn't working.

In My RIGHT Mind*

Jacksonville, my current home town, is one of the most segregated cities I've been to. There are several neighborhoods and they are all made up of people of the same race and financial class. For example, the beaches are made up of mostly middle class white people, Avondale is made up of mostly upper class white people, Springfield is mostly poor black people (and a few hipsters), and Riverside is mostly 20-somethings that work in the restaurant industry (and a few hipsters). I live in Murray Hill which is, essentially, old white people waiting to die (and a few hipsters) surrounded by bad neighborhoods. My neighborhood is quite nice, but the surrounding streets are filled with ghetto.

Winn-Dixie is the closest grocery store to my house, and although I much prefer Publix, I end up at Winn-Dixie when I need something quick. I hate that place and the people that shop there. Every time I go in there I leave with raised blood pressure while questioning my political beliefs and "the system."

I go there to buy a few necessary things:
Diapers (because my baby goes through a lot of them)
Jelly (because all I can afford to eat for lunch is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
Store brand chips (because I can't afford Lays or Ruffles)
and Milk (so I can whip up some amazing Hamburger Helper for dinner)

We eat Hamburger Helper twice a week as a "fancy" dinner. We have not had steaks, chicken or fresh vegetables in quite some time. We don't have money because we spent $650/month for health care while I was pregnant and I'm on an unpaid maternity leave. Plus, the added expense of diapers, formula and tons of doctor's visits.

I was one of the 55 million uninsured Americans when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately applied for Medicaid but was denied because I "make too much money." I was also denied short term disability so my time off work would be completely unpaid.

So, I'm in Winn-Dixie buying scraps of food in order to not starve every day and I see a girl a little younger than me. She's in her early 20s and pregnant. She's pushing a cart with two other children in it, one about 4 years old and the other was about 3. The 3 year old was looking through her mom's Coach bag for her Channel lipstick. I watched her as she made her selection of steak cuts from the meat section. I was jealous, as I have not purchased any luxuries in quite some time.

I made my way through the store and to the check out line, where she was in front of me with her kids and her fine meat products. I watch her place steaks, formula, salad, potatoes, cookies, cereal and a cake onto the food treadmill and eventually pull out her EBT card to pay for it all. She was using food stamps. Government money. Taxpayer's money to buy these things, these delicious delicious things.

Here she is, probably unemployed as it is the middle of a week day, buying food I can't afford with money that's coming out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them. Pregnant with her third child, using Medicaid to pay for her doctor's visits. Medicaid that comes out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them.

The system, as it stands basically breaks down like this:
Work hard to just make enough to get by on your own - no help for you in case of an unexpected pregnancy or any other life-changing situation that may hinder your ability to buy decent things.
Have a couple of kids and sit on your ass all day - have everything for free!!

I've even seen commercials recently that explain that if you're already receiving free health care and food stamps, you can probably get a cell phone for free, too! My God! Why do any of us actually work in the first place? Oh yeah, to buy ghetto child-factories steaks.

This instance was not a first. Every time I'm in that store I see the same thing, and every time it causes me to rant about how these people are getting handouts when I, and actually contributor to society, can't afford more than peanut butter.


*WARNING: If read incorrectly, this blog may lead reader to believe the writer is a republican. Failure to notice the writer is actually quite liberal may result in inappropriate comments, unruly political debates, internet bullying, sarcasm, internal injury or even death. Please use precaution when reading this blog post as the writer will not be held responsible for improper interpretation.

Advertisements Gone Wild

I'm a fan of free stuff. Who isn't?

A few weeks ago, my dad came to visit and meet his new grand daughter. He didn't want to miss anything while he was here, so there was always a camera pointed at her (she's used to it). He would switch back and fourth between his still camera and his new handy little camcorder. Knowing that he was ungodly poor, I asked about the camcorder and learned that he had "won" it from marlboro.com.

Hm. They're killing him, but at least they're giving him free stuff!

Because I learned everything I know from my parents, I too smoke the Marlboro brand. Cowboy killers (good thing I'm not a cowboy). Delicious.

So, with my next pack, I took the promo code off the insert and went over to marlboro.com to get all my free stuff! My dad, so far, has gotten a Weber grill, a poker chip set, a deck of cards, a camcorder and a leather key chain. (All good things to have, especially if they're free)

I have an iron bottle opener headed my way. Its no camcorder, but it's a start.

While on marlboro.com, I saw an advertisement. It wasn't a "commercial" because cigarette companies are no longer allowed to advertise on TV or in magazines.

In this commercial (that I was unable to embed due to copyright issues) you see a group of executives sitting around a conference table. One of the guys leaves the table to go outside to have a delicious cigarette (he's not a cowboy either). While he is gone, the CEO comes in and tells the other employees about their "annual trip to the Bahamas," but that one of them must stay behind to "hold down the fort." Of course, the rest of the group volunteers the guy that is outside smoking revealing the moral of the story: Don't ever miss a moment, use Marlboro Snus instead of smoking cigarettes when you're at work. This commercial advertisement made me angry.

First of all, if you're about to start a meeting, you don't go take a smoke break. You would have taken this break a good 20 minutes before said meeting, allowing you time to get outside and back in with 10 minutes to spare. Second, you should be able to smoke at your conference table to begin with! Now, obviously, companies don't just send people to the Bahamas and even if they did, they wouldn't leave a fellow upper-management guy behind. They'd have middle management take care of it.

At the end of the commercial advertisement, you see the smoker outside of the office building enjoying his delicious cowboy-killing cigarette a comfortable 20 feet away from the entrance of the building. He takes in a long, beautiful drag and while he exhales he says "wow, the sun feels great."

Even though he has missed out on a meeting and has been denied a trip to the Bahamas, they still have to show that he is, in fact, enjoying that cigarette.

Queue the slogan "Never miss a thing" and the vocal equivalent of fine print: "this product may cause mouth cancer."

Yum.

Social Networking Fashion Trends

Recently I've found that "skinny jeans" are all the rage with young hipsters. The first time I saw a pair was at the Mall of Georgia about five years ago. I couldn't understand how this kid (a guy) could (a) find pants that small or (b) fit into them. I was positive this wouldn't catch on because it looks as completely ridiculous as these guys wearing their belts just above the knee.

Sadly, I was wrong and skinny jeans were flying off shelves everywhere. The Gap even found a way to use old pictures of Audry Hepburn to advertise them.


This advertisement proves two things:
(1) royalty rights will pay off forever
(2) Fashion trends are rarely "new" and tend to cycle through every 30 years or so.

That's why I'm refusing to delete my MySpace profile.

Hear me out.

Back in the 90s, bellbottoms came back into style. Why? Well, that's a question no one can answer seriously, but that's beside the point. When I was an easily influenced teenager in the 90s, I bought a pair of bellbottoms. (Don't hate) I thought I was cool in them. (stop hating)

Well, I thought I was cool in them until my friend Lisa showed up at school rocking her mom's old bellbottoms straight out of the 60s. Damn. I can't compare my lame ass Gap bellbottom jeans to these authentic jeans that still smelled like Woodstock. I was quite jealous of Lisa, who always found a way to bring the rarity of her jeans into every conversation around the lunch table for an entire semester. (bitch)

Anyway, I refuse to delete my MySpace profile for that reason. The same reason Lisa's mom didn't throw those jeans away. Will it make me cool later when people go back to the site and see that I've been a dedicated member since 2005? Will Tom notice I'm the only member left in three years and send me some of his cash for sticking with him all these years? Probably not. But at least I know there's a glimmer of hope for finally getting back at Lisa and feeling like I'm, for once, on top of the fashion game.

Thoughts on being a mom and why that's the only thing on my mind.

Here's a small list of things I promise not to do as a mother:

1. Make a profile for my baby on a social networking site. This is ridiculous. These days, you're born and you get a birth certificate, a social security number, a hat and a social networking site profile. The government and hospital are to blame for the first three, and the lame parents should be shot for the last one.

2. Swear that my child is the cutest ever. I know she'll be beautiful to me, but I also hope to understand that not everyone will agree. I mean, she could look like this:


3. Set my profile picture on any social networking site to a picture of my baby. No. This is my profile, not hers.

4. Swear my baby is smarter than she should be for her age. "OMG, she raised her hand today, she must be a genius!"

5. Only speak to her in "baby talk." I hear they will grow up with a better vocabulary if they are spoken to like normal people rather than a baby. I will offer my daughter a bottle, not a "baba" and she will eat food, not "num nums."