Friday, May 20, 2011
Rapture Thoughts
If tomorrow is the end of the world, my daughter won't make it to her first birthday and this troubles me. If I am raptured tomorrow, I assume my daughter will come with me, which is more than we can say for my husband. Now, Heaven is supposed to be a pretty amazing place, right? You'll never go hungry and all your wildest dreams come true in the presence of God, or so I've heard. How can this be? I love my kid more than anything, but part of that is knowing that I'll get to watch her grow up. Does this mean I'm going to be stuck with an 11 month old for all of eternity? Because, that doesn't sound so appealing. Will I get to watch her grow up in Heaven? If this is true, then I must also age and that really doesn't sound like a lot of fun. I feel old enough as it is. But, if I do get older then eventually, I'd die or something, right? Or will Heaven be filled with nothing but raggedy old people in about 50 years? Then who will pay our Social Security? Are you able to have children in Heaven? Won't we get over-crowded? I'll miss my dogs a lot.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Top 10: Most Quoted Movies of all Time
(With help from my facebook friends)
10. Star Wars - While I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, I could rattle off a few quotes if challenged. You can also find quotes from these movies in other movies like Tommy Boy and television shows like Family Guy. Star Wars is probably the most ripped-off movie of all time. Again, I’ve never seen it, but I’m pretty sure I know the whole story based on hearing bits of it here and there. May the (ever so nerdy) force be with you.
9. A Christmas Story - I thought (for years) that this movie was a special part of my upbringing, but turns out, it was a special part of almost everybody’s upbringing. I love this movie. I have seen it no less than 100 times and my family can not stop quoting it every year from about September to mid February.
9a. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation - If it isn’t A Christmas Story, it’s this one.
8. The Jerk - I feel like this movie should be further up the list than this, but maybe that is because I share a deep connection with this film. From “He hates these cans” to “That’s all I need,” Steve Martin wears this character so well it is impossible to look at a thermos the same way ever again.
7. This is Spinal Tap - (and it goes up to 11)
6. Office Space - At least three times in recent years, I have posted a status update on face book for the sole purpose of starting an Office Space Quote-off.
5. Forrest Gump - Face it. Whenever you get a box of chocolates, you want to say it. Plus, we all know when you see someone sprinting down a dirt road in leg braces, or a college player headed full speed for the end zone, you’re biting your tongue.
4. The Wizard of Oz - Okay, I know that’s old school and not something you sit around quoting with your friends. Fact is, this movie is such a part of childhood that it travels with you and you eventually find some way some how to throw in a “there‘s no place like home“ or “and your little dog, too!”
3. I’m giving the #3 spot to all those films with one quote that got completely out of hand.
3a. “I’ll be back”
3b. “Show me the money!”
3c. “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth.”
3d. “I’m king of the world!”
2. Airplane - Yes, I’m serious and no, don’t call me Shirley. One of the silliest movies of all time with excellent jokes that would land you in jail these days. “Bobby, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”
1. Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail - Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh would.
Honorable Mentions: There’s Something About Mary, The Big Lebowski, Idiocracy, Zoolander, Clerks, and Napoleon Dynamite.
10. Star Wars - While I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies, I could rattle off a few quotes if challenged. You can also find quotes from these movies in other movies like Tommy Boy and television shows like Family Guy. Star Wars is probably the most ripped-off movie of all time. Again, I’ve never seen it, but I’m pretty sure I know the whole story based on hearing bits of it here and there. May the (ever so nerdy) force be with you.
9. A Christmas Story - I thought (for years) that this movie was a special part of my upbringing, but turns out, it was a special part of almost everybody’s upbringing. I love this movie. I have seen it no less than 100 times and my family can not stop quoting it every year from about September to mid February.
9a. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation - If it isn’t A Christmas Story, it’s this one.
8. The Jerk - I feel like this movie should be further up the list than this, but maybe that is because I share a deep connection with this film. From “He hates these cans” to “That’s all I need,” Steve Martin wears this character so well it is impossible to look at a thermos the same way ever again.
7. This is Spinal Tap - (and it goes up to 11)
6. Office Space - At least three times in recent years, I have posted a status update on face book for the sole purpose of starting an Office Space Quote-off.
5. Forrest Gump - Face it. Whenever you get a box of chocolates, you want to say it. Plus, we all know when you see someone sprinting down a dirt road in leg braces, or a college player headed full speed for the end zone, you’re biting your tongue.
4. The Wizard of Oz - Okay, I know that’s old school and not something you sit around quoting with your friends. Fact is, this movie is such a part of childhood that it travels with you and you eventually find some way some how to throw in a “there‘s no place like home“ or “and your little dog, too!”
3. I’m giving the #3 spot to all those films with one quote that got completely out of hand.
3a. “I’ll be back”
3b. “Show me the money!”
3c. “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth.”
3d. “I’m king of the world!”
2. Airplane - Yes, I’m serious and no, don’t call me Shirley. One of the silliest movies of all time with excellent jokes that would land you in jail these days. “Bobby, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”
1. Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail - Don’t worry, it’s just a flesh would.
Honorable Mentions: There’s Something About Mary, The Big Lebowski, Idiocracy, Zoolander, Clerks, and Napoleon Dynamite.
Monday, February 21, 2011
B-movie Review: Teeth
Year: 2007
Starring: That girl from "Guiding Light" and That guy from "Nip / Tuck"
Favorite line in the movie: "I haven't even jerked off since Easter!"
Favorite prop made for the movie: A detailed sketch of a hairy vagina
"Teeth" opens with beautiful panoramic views of suburban America and an original soundtrack reminiscent of early Danny Elfman work. We see tree-lined streets with nice houses, kids on their bicycles and shiny new cars. Then, we see the cooling towers from the power plant in the background. I guess we can assume this is a nuclear power plant, although the key element required for such a thing (a large body of water) is absent. The black smoke tips us off, even though most of us know "smoke" from a cooling tower is actually steam and therefore white, but that's beside the point. We then see our hero and her brother as children. They are in an inflatable pool in the front yard of their home, parents chain-smoking and partaking in some good 'ol fashioned mid-day drinking behind them.
Within the first five minutes of the movie we see evidence of both child abuse and sexual assault between various family members. We then learn the two children are actually step-siblings (this is important for later plot points, so it is repeated a second time to make sure even the most idiotic viewers are sure to catch the hint).
Flash-forward to present day and we see Dawn (our hero) giving a speech about the importance of abstinence more cheesy than I ever thought possible. Much to my surprise (really), we learn that she is actually serious. Dawn is a pure soul with no intentions of being led astray by her peers and their impure desires. She doodles wedding dresses in the margins of her notebooks and has fantasy after fantasy of her wedding day and finally getting to do the nasty with the man of her dreams. She only watches G-rated movies and she's never kissed a boy.
Then we meet the other child from the pool scene, Brad (an actor I really enjoyed in the TV show Nip / Tuck [Matt] and he seems to have brought the same character with him). Brad is an asshole. He is a "type A" asshole that disrespects his girlfriend, plays metal music loud in his parents' house, has a rottweiler trained to kill, wears shirts with the sleeves cut off, and he has a tattoo of a dragon (yes, a dragon) in the middle of his chest.
Through some twists and turns of badly-written plot, Dawn finds herself a victim of date rape, which is where my *favorite line of the movie* comes into play. She fights the guy off of her but he is stronger and pins her down and forces himself inside of her. (The scene is more cheesy than anything else, but in text it seems disturbing, doesn't it?) So, there he is, doing his thing and then... crunch ... He screams like a little girl and tries to fight his way off of her. After a bit of a struggle, he finally breaks away (still screaming like a girl) and we see him standing over her. A dramatic zoom into his nether-regions reveals a bloody mess where his penis used to be. Oh, the horror!
Our hero doesn't know what happened to her forceful lover and decides to seek medical attention. After another similar experience at a gynecologist office, Dawn simply uses google to learn she has an "adaptation" as she calls it. A "toothed vagina," if you will. She finds some Greek mythology on the subject and learns that only her "hero" would be safe inside her, leading us into the classic "true love trumps all" plot line. Somewhere along the line, though, she decides to use her "gift" against those she hates... and any other guy that simply rubs her the wrong way (no pun intended).
Along with a sub-plot of Dawn's dying mother, a sexy cast of malicious young men, copious amounts of squirting blood and a hidden moral not unlike those found in teen television dramas, "Teeth" presents a new take on "the girl next door" sure to leave you rolling hysterically in the isles. Not only is the premise completely ridiculous, but the acting is almost good enough to make you believe this is an actual attempt at a horror movie. Even the ever-present nuclear cooling towers looming in the background of nearly every outdoor shot serve as a nice little reminder that you're watching a completely under-rated cult classic. I give this movie 3 out of five high-pitched screams.
"Teeth" is currently available for instant streaming on Netflix so feel free to check this gem out.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
How's That Hopey-Changey Thing Working Out?
Excuse me while I step up onto my liberal soap box and exercise my freedom of speech.
*ahem*
Let's talk about bumper stickers for a bit. It seems I see more and more every day, and I think they're maybe getting more and more ridiculous each day. I guess its the easiest way to let everyone know exactly what type of person you are with a 10in x 3in quirky quote. Who comes up with these things? Here's a few of my favorite.
Does anyone else see anything funny about this? Pro-life and also Pro-gun? What are guns for? Protection, huh? So, someone is "coming right for you" and you're going to do what? Shoot them, right? Wouldn't that run a very high risk of killing them? That's not very pro-life of you, tisk tisk, sir. Oh, they're for hunting you say? So, you see a deer or a duck or a mongoose or whatever you're hunting and you shoot it, right? You know, that might kill it. What's that? The gun is a family heirloom from your great uncle Jimmy that fought in the war? WAR? That gun was designed to go to war to do what? Open care packages?
Look, I don't care if you own a gun. I, personally, don't like them too much and prefer not to own one. You can have 50 guns for all I care, but you should at least realize that they were made to serve one purpose.
"Yeah, speak English cuz thems people that're diff'rent from me is bad people." English came from England. Spanish came from Spain. German from Germany, etc. I guess if we follow this logic, being an American should mean speaking the native dialects of whatever region you're in.
Um. Sure, that'll teach 'em!
What!? You'd rather be torturing people? The same person that puts this bumper sticker on their car was cursing Michael Vick a few years back for being mean to dogs. Don't get me wrong, I hate Vick for that too, but how is it acceptable to torture a human and not a dog. Those dogs were bad dogs. They were raised to be mean dogs and trained to fight to kill. So were those people being waterboarded. What I'm trying to say is there has to be a line somewhere.
Stupid Jimmy Carter with his silly "human rights" ideas. Wasting all that time founding the Department of Education and leading Habitat for Humanity. That Nobel Peace Prize was a waste on that guy, eh?
Sissy? Oh, right. That's a slang word comparable to "faggot" but they can't use that word anymore. Here's a perfect example of that bully on the playground. He was big and mean. He would hurt and humiliate anybody he could. He did this because he couldn't make any friends and he wasn't smart enough to have school work to do. Timeless "my brain don't work so I'll poke fun at you" syndrome. Big truck = Big bully. Little car = substandard human (i.e. gay)
Where do these people get the idea that "liberals" want to take their money and give it away to people that just sit on their asses all day? Oh, I'll get you, Glenn Beck! Just a little reminder of just a few of the programs that are funded by the tax payers: Medicare, Medicaid, Women Infants and Children, Roads, Libraries, Schools. Now, there are people that abuse the system, yes, I'm not going to argue that. However, you can not do away with these programs because there are people that need them. Are you going to tell your grandma not to get her broken hip operated on because that money might reflect a 0.5 cent shortage on your paycheck? Are we going to close all of the libraries because it isn't "fair" that you have to pay taxes to buy books for people that can only afford to rent them? [Oh, and to my fellow Floridians: Shut the fuck up because we don't even pay local taxes like most of the rest of the country]
*ahem.*
Stepping down from the box now. I just wanted to show you one last thing. You might want to shield the eyes of any young children that might be around before viewing it, though. It is quite grotesque and honestly, the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.
*ahem*
Let's talk about bumper stickers for a bit. It seems I see more and more every day, and I think they're maybe getting more and more ridiculous each day. I guess its the easiest way to let everyone know exactly what type of person you are with a 10in x 3in quirky quote. Who comes up with these things? Here's a few of my favorite.
Does anyone else see anything funny about this? Pro-life and also Pro-gun? What are guns for? Protection, huh? So, someone is "coming right for you" and you're going to do what? Shoot them, right? Wouldn't that run a very high risk of killing them? That's not very pro-life of you, tisk tisk, sir. Oh, they're for hunting you say? So, you see a deer or a duck or a mongoose or whatever you're hunting and you shoot it, right? You know, that might kill it. What's that? The gun is a family heirloom from your great uncle Jimmy that fought in the war? WAR? That gun was designed to go to war to do what? Open care packages?
Look, I don't care if you own a gun. I, personally, don't like them too much and prefer not to own one. You can have 50 guns for all I care, but you should at least realize that they were made to serve one purpose.
"Yeah, speak English cuz thems people that're diff'rent from me is bad people." English came from England. Spanish came from Spain. German from Germany, etc. I guess if we follow this logic, being an American should mean speaking the native dialects of whatever region you're in.
Um. Sure, that'll teach 'em!What!? You'd rather be torturing people? The same person that puts this bumper sticker on their car was cursing Michael Vick a few years back for being mean to dogs. Don't get me wrong, I hate Vick for that too, but how is it acceptable to torture a human and not a dog. Those dogs were bad dogs. They were raised to be mean dogs and trained to fight to kill. So were those people being waterboarded. What I'm trying to say is there has to be a line somewhere.
Stupid Jimmy Carter with his silly "human rights" ideas. Wasting all that time founding the Department of Education and leading Habitat for Humanity. That Nobel Peace Prize was a waste on that guy, eh?Sissy? Oh, right. That's a slang word comparable to "faggot" but they can't use that word anymore. Here's a perfect example of that bully on the playground. He was big and mean. He would hurt and humiliate anybody he could. He did this because he couldn't make any friends and he wasn't smart enough to have school work to do. Timeless "my brain don't work so I'll poke fun at you" syndrome. Big truck = Big bully. Little car = substandard human (i.e. gay)Where do these people get the idea that "liberals" want to take their money and give it away to people that just sit on their asses all day? Oh, I'll get you, Glenn Beck! Just a little reminder of just a few of the programs that are funded by the tax payers: Medicare, Medicaid, Women Infants and Children, Roads, Libraries, Schools. Now, there are people that abuse the system, yes, I'm not going to argue that. However, you can not do away with these programs because there are people that need them. Are you going to tell your grandma not to get her broken hip operated on because that money might reflect a 0.5 cent shortage on your paycheck? Are we going to close all of the libraries because it isn't "fair" that you have to pay taxes to buy books for people that can only afford to rent them? [Oh, and to my fellow Floridians: Shut the fuck up because we don't even pay local taxes like most of the rest of the country]
*ahem.*
Stepping down from the box now. I just wanted to show you one last thing. You might want to shield the eyes of any young children that might be around before viewing it, though. It is quite grotesque and honestly, the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life.
Plugged in Again
Yay, I have the internet again! 18 weeks without cable or internet has taught me a very important lesson: Always pay your cable bill.
I thought maybe I'd come out of this a "better person" with a "better understanding" of the world around me.
Nope.
I came out of these 18 long weeks vowing to let my car payments slide to keep the internet on next time I'm facing poverty.
So, people of the internet, what have I missed while I was gone? Any great new memes I should know about? A YouTube parody of the season's number one hit single? Another video of the Westborough Baptist Church standing together as douche bags? I have some catching up to do, as well as some writing.
I thought maybe I'd come out of this a "better person" with a "better understanding" of the world around me.
Nope.
I came out of these 18 long weeks vowing to let my car payments slide to keep the internet on next time I'm facing poverty.
So, people of the internet, what have I missed while I was gone? Any great new memes I should know about? A YouTube parody of the season's number one hit single? Another video of the Westborough Baptist Church standing together as douche bags? I have some catching up to do, as well as some writing.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
My Days Without The Internet
Having a baby is expensive and taking two months off without pay is not only necessary, but detrimental on one’s financial situations. I like my house, car, electricity, phone and cable a lot. Unfortunately, I had to choose when paying bills and Comcast was at the end of the line. After two months without a payment, my cable box was actually repossessed. Yeah, let that sink in for a moment. I’ll wait…… Yes, repossessed like an unpaid car or an organ transplant I couldn’t afford. My cable box was repossessed!! I didn’t know this was possible and I can’t think of anything more embarrassing for my neighbors to see. Being that I’m surrounded by old white ladies that have nothing better to do than look out their windows, I’m sure everyone saw this guy come take my cable box away. As I write this, I have been without cable or internet for six weeks. (As of press time, it has been over two months!)
I was certain I would break down after being offline for an hour or so. I am addicted to the internet in a bad, bad way. The first day was hard, the second day was a little easier and by the end of week four it wasn’t physically painful anymore. I imagine this is what it feels like to quit smoking, but I have never done that and probably never will. Hey, addiction runs *strong* in my genes.
While offline, there were some necessary online tasks to take care of, as there always are. I have applied for several jobs, and I needed to go online for that. I needed an internet connection when I wanted to check my bank account or upload photos. Other than that, I could get my small fixes through my phone (thank God for my droid). When it was necessary for me to get online, I headed to Starbucks where I decided that America’s somewhat new fascination with over-priced coffee is probably synonymous with WiFi.
So, what have I been doing with my time? Remember, I was also out my 250 cable channels, DVR and OnDemand. That’s right, unplugged. Well, I re-discovered my love of the Sims games and wanted to write a huge blog about being able to create your own world and play “God.” But, I failed to ever get that idea from my head to my laptop and eventually got bored watching my Sim character watch tv and use his computer. (jackass.)
I then turned to the Wii for fun, but I don’t really have money to buy new games and there’s only so many times one can go virtual bowling before the novelty not only wears off but becomes completely annoying, and oddly enough, physically strenuous. I wanted to post a blog about the timeline of video games from my childhood to now. How did we go from Pong to Call of Duty so fast and what the hell kind of games will there be in another 20 years?! Again, I failed to get that idea from my head to my laptop.
I tried reading but there are too many books in my house thanks to my lit-nerd husband and I can’t seem to stay focused on a novel long enough before starting a new book and then I get my story lines crossed and then I get a headache because in this day and age, humans are not meant to read anything more than a blog or magazine article at a time. [Run-on or not, that sentence was fun to write and illustrates my point of rapid thinking and it’s connection to the dumbification of America.] (crap, I did it again)
I did all of those new mom things like changed diapers and folded tiny clothes, and thought about my how-to mommy hood blog that I would write and save lives with somehow. I watched a lot of movies from my Netflix queue and decided I wanted to start a movie review blog dedicated solely to B-Movies (I’m sure that’s never been done before *sarcasm is key*).
So, What have I been doing with my time? Thinking about blogging. How can I get people to read my blog? What is interesting to other people? Why do I even write a blog (three blogs, actually)? When will I finally feel great about a blog that I’m writing? Who reads these blogs anyway? Why does the word “blog” sound so funny after you say it ten times?
I’ve always been a fan of observational stand up comedy and feel like my blog is a good way for me to express that without the risk of rejection, or worse than that, silence. I’m constantly trying to find humor in everything I do just so I can write a long-winded diatribe full of run-on sentences (and too many parentheses [and punctuation marks!!]). Am I succeeding? No, not really. Do I feel good about the things I post? Yeah, mostly. Is there a line between a rant and art? Yes. Have I crossed it? Who knows. Aren’t I awesome at answering my own questions? I sure am.
To quote the timeless classic (and one of my favorite movies of all time) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:
“The internet is a place where nerds and geeks go to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. It has given everyone in America a voice and apparently everyone in America has chosen to use it.”
Ben Affleck was speaking the truth, no doubt. Because everyone in America (and most of the world) has this new voice, it is used by most people; therefore, drowning out one another making every voice tiny and barely recognizable. Does that make the original voice worth having? Every shit head teenager has a webcam and a YouTube channel dedicated to their favorite guy-liner wearing pop-punk band’s deep and meaningful lyrics that totally describe exactly how they’re feeling. And every headstrong 20-something that knows everything has a sarcastic blog, full of run-on sentences, and, of course, too many punctuation marks (and parentheses).
(!?.!?.!?.!?.!?.)
I was certain I would break down after being offline for an hour or so. I am addicted to the internet in a bad, bad way. The first day was hard, the second day was a little easier and by the end of week four it wasn’t physically painful anymore. I imagine this is what it feels like to quit smoking, but I have never done that and probably never will. Hey, addiction runs *strong* in my genes.
While offline, there were some necessary online tasks to take care of, as there always are. I have applied for several jobs, and I needed to go online for that. I needed an internet connection when I wanted to check my bank account or upload photos. Other than that, I could get my small fixes through my phone (thank God for my droid). When it was necessary for me to get online, I headed to Starbucks where I decided that America’s somewhat new fascination with over-priced coffee is probably synonymous with WiFi.
So, what have I been doing with my time? Remember, I was also out my 250 cable channels, DVR and OnDemand. That’s right, unplugged. Well, I re-discovered my love of the Sims games and wanted to write a huge blog about being able to create your own world and play “God.” But, I failed to ever get that idea from my head to my laptop and eventually got bored watching my Sim character watch tv and use his computer. (jackass.)
I then turned to the Wii for fun, but I don’t really have money to buy new games and there’s only so many times one can go virtual bowling before the novelty not only wears off but becomes completely annoying, and oddly enough, physically strenuous. I wanted to post a blog about the timeline of video games from my childhood to now. How did we go from Pong to Call of Duty so fast and what the hell kind of games will there be in another 20 years?! Again, I failed to get that idea from my head to my laptop.
I tried reading but there are too many books in my house thanks to my lit-nerd husband and I can’t seem to stay focused on a novel long enough before starting a new book and then I get my story lines crossed and then I get a headache because in this day and age, humans are not meant to read anything more than a blog or magazine article at a time. [Run-on or not, that sentence was fun to write and illustrates my point of rapid thinking and it’s connection to the dumbification of America.] (crap, I did it again)
I did all of those new mom things like changed diapers and folded tiny clothes, and thought about my how-to mommy hood blog that I would write and save lives with somehow. I watched a lot of movies from my Netflix queue and decided I wanted to start a movie review blog dedicated solely to B-Movies (I’m sure that’s never been done before *sarcasm is key*).
So, What have I been doing with my time? Thinking about blogging. How can I get people to read my blog? What is interesting to other people? Why do I even write a blog (three blogs, actually)? When will I finally feel great about a blog that I’m writing? Who reads these blogs anyway? Why does the word “blog” sound so funny after you say it ten times?
I’ve always been a fan of observational stand up comedy and feel like my blog is a good way for me to express that without the risk of rejection, or worse than that, silence. I’m constantly trying to find humor in everything I do just so I can write a long-winded diatribe full of run-on sentences (and too many parentheses [and punctuation marks!!]). Am I succeeding? No, not really. Do I feel good about the things I post? Yeah, mostly. Is there a line between a rant and art? Yes. Have I crossed it? Who knows. Aren’t I awesome at answering my own questions? I sure am.
To quote the timeless classic (and one of my favorite movies of all time) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back:
“The internet is a place where nerds and geeks go to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. It has given everyone in America a voice and apparently everyone in America has chosen to use it.”
Ben Affleck was speaking the truth, no doubt. Because everyone in America (and most of the world) has this new voice, it is used by most people; therefore, drowning out one another making every voice tiny and barely recognizable. Does that make the original voice worth having? Every shit head teenager has a webcam and a YouTube channel dedicated to their favorite guy-liner wearing pop-punk band’s deep and meaningful lyrics that totally describe exactly how they’re feeling. And every headstrong 20-something that knows everything has a sarcastic blog, full of run-on sentences, and, of course, too many punctuation marks (and parentheses).
(!?.!?.!?.!?.!?.)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Cliché? Touché!
Oh, I never thought this post would come out of me, but here it is. My, how my life has changed.
I never wanted kids. They're messy and loud and you have to watch them 24/7 and sometimes they're even ... sticky. Gross. Who would want that?
Oh, but there was one fateful night in Orlando after many drinks and sing-a-longs that changed my kid-less future plans for me. [I'm not going to say that Pat O'Brien's causes babies to be made, but I think it helped.]
Two weeks later I got my period. Then it stopped an hour later. Then I started getting a little sick and my bra was suddenly painful. I found myself googling "period blood blocked?" because the thought of pregnancy was so distant in my mind. Another week later, I finally peed on a stick just to rule out pregnancy.
I didn't rule it out.
Positive.
Pregnant.
Shit.
I was very sad about it because this meant that I was actually going to have an abortion, and I was hoping never to do that. I really didn't want a baby though, so that was my only logical option. I was a complete mess at the time. Drunk every night, embarrassing myself on a regular basis, burning bridges faster than I could build them, living in a broken house with two other people both of them at least 5 years younger than me. I was living the life of a kid just out of their parent's house, but I had moved out of my mom's house 9 years before then. There was no way I could bring a baby into that, and what solidified that thought was the fact that I really didn't ever want to have children. They're sticky, remember?
The next day I went to work with swollen eyes from crying all night. I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours so I took my lunch break a little early and, being slightly disoriented, I bumped into the break room table, hitting my lower abdomen on the corner. I immediately and involuntarily grabbed my stomach in a panic as if to say "are you ok?" to the clump of cells inside me. I sat down and grasped what had just happened. I wanted to protect it. Whatever "it" was. I didn't want a baby, but I was protective of the first stages of one. Then, I could feel it. There was a life inside of me and it freaked me out, but what's more than that is the fact that I cared about it.
I changed my mind.
I'm going to have this baby.
Pregnancy was terrible, and I'm still suffering from the unplanned c-section (another blog with that whole story will be written one day). Not to mention the emotional and financial strain of an unplanned pregnancy and the eventual newborn baby that follows. Ugh, what a mess it was.
Kennedy Louise Kane was born at 1:16am on June 8th, 2010.
Kennedy has changed my life completely and she is the reason for everything I do. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything on Earth. People told me certain things about this unconditional love when I was pregnant:
"You'll wonder what you did before having a baby"
"You will experience a completely new kind of love"
"You will enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to feed her"
"You will miss those sleepless nights with a newborn"
They are all true. I am so infatuated with this little thing. This tiny version of me that smiles every time she sees me. She laughs at my jokes, even though she doesn't even know they are jokes. Her smile and laugh melt my heart every day and when she does something for the first time I cry happy tears. This little thing I made in my body is growing and learning. I care so much about everything she does and it is all fascinating to me still.
As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I realized that there is no greater feeling in the world than having her head on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my arm. I can hear her little baby breath and tiny baby moans right in my ear. The feeling of her little body cuddled up to mine, knowing that she feels safe in my arms, is incredible. That spot on my shoulder will always be there for her head to lay on when she needs it. After a long day at the park, after a bad day at school, the first time a boy breaks her heart, after her first car accident, when she comes home from college for Christmas, on her wedding day, when she has a baby... I can't wait to be there for all of it, and be the one person that she will always feel safe with.
I didn't think I would be this way. I am a walking cliché. I am a mom.
Weird.
I never wanted kids. They're messy and loud and you have to watch them 24/7 and sometimes they're even ... sticky. Gross. Who would want that?
Oh, but there was one fateful night in Orlando after many drinks and sing-a-longs that changed my kid-less future plans for me. [I'm not going to say that Pat O'Brien's causes babies to be made, but I think it helped.]
Two weeks later I got my period. Then it stopped an hour later. Then I started getting a little sick and my bra was suddenly painful. I found myself googling "period blood blocked?" because the thought of pregnancy was so distant in my mind. Another week later, I finally peed on a stick just to rule out pregnancy.
I didn't rule it out.
Positive.
Pregnant.
Shit.
I was very sad about it because this meant that I was actually going to have an abortion, and I was hoping never to do that. I really didn't want a baby though, so that was my only logical option. I was a complete mess at the time. Drunk every night, embarrassing myself on a regular basis, burning bridges faster than I could build them, living in a broken house with two other people both of them at least 5 years younger than me. I was living the life of a kid just out of their parent's house, but I had moved out of my mom's house 9 years before then. There was no way I could bring a baby into that, and what solidified that thought was the fact that I really didn't ever want to have children. They're sticky, remember?
The next day I went to work with swollen eyes from crying all night. I hadn't eaten in about 24 hours so I took my lunch break a little early and, being slightly disoriented, I bumped into the break room table, hitting my lower abdomen on the corner. I immediately and involuntarily grabbed my stomach in a panic as if to say "are you ok?" to the clump of cells inside me. I sat down and grasped what had just happened. I wanted to protect it. Whatever "it" was. I didn't want a baby, but I was protective of the first stages of one. Then, I could feel it. There was a life inside of me and it freaked me out, but what's more than that is the fact that I cared about it.
I changed my mind.
I'm going to have this baby.
Pregnancy was terrible, and I'm still suffering from the unplanned c-section (another blog with that whole story will be written one day). Not to mention the emotional and financial strain of an unplanned pregnancy and the eventual newborn baby that follows. Ugh, what a mess it was.
Kennedy Louise Kane was born at 1:16am on June 8th, 2010.
Kennedy has changed my life completely and she is the reason for everything I do. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anything on Earth. People told me certain things about this unconditional love when I was pregnant:
"You'll wonder what you did before having a baby"
"You will experience a completely new kind of love"
"You will enjoy getting up in the middle of the night to feed her"
"You will miss those sleepless nights with a newborn"
They are all true. I am so infatuated with this little thing. This tiny version of me that smiles every time she sees me. She laughs at my jokes, even though she doesn't even know they are jokes. Her smile and laugh melt my heart every day and when she does something for the first time I cry happy tears. This little thing I made in my body is growing and learning. I care so much about everything she does and it is all fascinating to me still.
As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I realized that there is no greater feeling in the world than having her head on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my arm. I can hear her little baby breath and tiny baby moans right in my ear. The feeling of her little body cuddled up to mine, knowing that she feels safe in my arms, is incredible. That spot on my shoulder will always be there for her head to lay on when she needs it. After a long day at the park, after a bad day at school, the first time a boy breaks her heart, after her first car accident, when she comes home from college for Christmas, on her wedding day, when she has a baby... I can't wait to be there for all of it, and be the one person that she will always feel safe with.
I didn't think I would be this way. I am a walking cliché. I am a mom.
Weird.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Typical Rant of a Teenage Girl
I'm not a teenager anymore, obviously.
Sometime shortly after puberty but before college, everything became a bigger deal than it ever was before. At least on a social level, that is. What would once annoy me a little bit, suddenly became reason enough to kill myself. Ah, high school...
Most people leave that behind though, right? Most people let go of the drama and the gossip, don't they? I thought so, but even in my mid 20s I still see these things happening everywhere around me. At home, at work, at the gas station, at the bus stop, in my bowl of soup... people fight. And people are mean.
Person A (we'll call him Preston): "I like soup. I like soup more than anyone."
Person B (we'll call him Jimmy): "People don't like soup, you fucking moron!"
Preston: "Well, Jimmy, I happen to like soup just fine. It is warm and fills my belly."
Jimmy: "Ok, some people like soup, but they are stupid people. Plus, it is only warm sometimes and if it's just broth, it won't completely fill your belly."
Preston: "Fuck you! Soup is good!"
Jimmy: "Chicken soup is the worst!"
Preston: "Chicken soup is the only kind of soup there is, asswipe. Where do you get off talking about soup that way? You're such a dumb fuck!"
Jimmy: "Soup is disgusting and I hate it, just like I hate you."
Preston: "I hear soup is better in bowls. Why don't you try soup in a bowl before judging all soups?"
Jimmy: "Quit telling me what to do, fuck face!"
Preston: "But..."
Jimmy: "No. Fuck you. Soup is the worst thing ever, and my family has more money than yours and they all agree. So, Preston, you're wrong. Deal with it."
Its all the same fight over and over again, right? Geez. Why can't people just enjoy some damn soup?
Sometime shortly after puberty but before college, everything became a bigger deal than it ever was before. At least on a social level, that is. What would once annoy me a little bit, suddenly became reason enough to kill myself. Ah, high school...
Most people leave that behind though, right? Most people let go of the drama and the gossip, don't they? I thought so, but even in my mid 20s I still see these things happening everywhere around me. At home, at work, at the gas station, at the bus stop, in my bowl of soup... people fight. And people are mean.
Person A (we'll call him Preston): "I like soup. I like soup more than anyone."
Person B (we'll call him Jimmy): "People don't like soup, you fucking moron!"
Preston: "Well, Jimmy, I happen to like soup just fine. It is warm and fills my belly."
Jimmy: "Ok, some people like soup, but they are stupid people. Plus, it is only warm sometimes and if it's just broth, it won't completely fill your belly."
Preston: "Fuck you! Soup is good!"
Jimmy: "Chicken soup is the worst!"
Preston: "Chicken soup is the only kind of soup there is, asswipe. Where do you get off talking about soup that way? You're such a dumb fuck!"
Jimmy: "Soup is disgusting and I hate it, just like I hate you."
Preston: "I hear soup is better in bowls. Why don't you try soup in a bowl before judging all soups?"
Jimmy: "Quit telling me what to do, fuck face!"
Preston: "But..."
Jimmy: "No. Fuck you. Soup is the worst thing ever, and my family has more money than yours and they all agree. So, Preston, you're wrong. Deal with it."
Its all the same fight over and over again, right? Geez. Why can't people just enjoy some damn soup?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Adam and Steve: Bigotry in America
I feel like talking about a current event today. The economy sucks, the ocean is flammable, brown people are being discriminated against, there's a new political party with all the wrong motives, 55 million Americans still aren't able to get decent health care, local government elections have become a joke, and over 10% of the [employable] population is out of work.
Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?
Anyway.
California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.
Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.
Here are a few of them:
1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.
2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).
3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.
5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.
6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"
I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.
In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.
The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."
*Stepping off my soapbox now*
Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.
Am I the only one that misses Bill Clinton?
Anyway.
California. My home state, with purple mountains and vast deserts. Where movies are made and dreams come true. Where an Austrian steroid-filled man can be governor, and where little black boys can grow up to be white. Where gay people could get married, then they couldn't, then they could again. Ah, California, I miss you sometimes.
Prop 8 being over-turned is good news for America. Well, most of America. Well, maybe only some of America. Turns out a lot of people are pissed off about this and I'm having a really hard time understanding why. There are millions of things I'd like to scream at these people proving that their arguments are invalid.
Here are a few of them:
1. People are people, and you shouldn't discriminate against them for any reason, especially sexual preferences. You know, Hitler discriminated against a group of people, too. That didn't pan out too well for anyone involved.
2. "Allowing" gay marriage will not lead to people marrying animals or inanimate objects. This is just a ridiculous leap in assumption and Fox News is having a blast with it. Neither my dog or my stapler will ever say they want to have sex with me (although my dog sometimes gazes longingly into my husband's eyes).
3. The Bible says a lot of things, it's a big book that's been translated hundreds of times. There are a lot of words. Words that say a man shouldn't "lay with another man." The Bible says a marriage is not valid if the woman is not a virgin and she should be stoned to death for having sex before marriage. The Bible also allows slavery, including selling your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:1-11), child abuse (Judges 11:29-40 and Isaiah 13:16), and bashing babies against rocks (Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:9). We, as Americans, don't take the Bible too literally these days... there's a lot of fucked up shit in there! **Here's where I need an extra HUGE soapbox** Even if The Bible says homosexuality is wrong and you must adhere to that belief, we still live in a country where there is supposed to be SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
4. As much as I don't like it, marriage is not sacred in this country, so that excuse is out. The divorce rate is higher than the success rate, many people re-marry several times, hardly anyone is a virgin when they get married and "til death do us part" should be replaced with "until I'm sick of you." It's the truth and there's no denying that marriage a pretty way of getting a tax break and an excuse to buy diamonds.... which brings me to my next point.
5. Married couples and "domestic partners" should have the same rights as far as raising children together. Women have children outside of marriage all the time, and it is easy for a new husband to get legal rights to the child that is not his. Gay couples can't do this. I have a few friends in this situation, where one "mom" has raised a child from birth as though it was her own, but she can't have any rights to that child. She can not pick that child up from school. She can not take that child to the doctor. If that child were to end up in the emergency room for whatever reason, only her birth mother could attend to her.
6. People do not choose to be gay, just like straight people don't choose to be straight. I'm sure everyone out there has, at least at one point, questioned their sexuality. Some people test it. Others don't have to. I like dudes, but so do some dudes. Studies have also shown that some species, when faced with food shortages due to overpopulation, will start to mate with the same sex; therefore not producing more of a food threat. How's that for being "natural?"
I could go on and on about this. I have such a hard time believing that some people are still so ignorant when it comes to homosexuality, but then again, there are people out there that still think white is the superior race, global warming isn't happening, or that it was a good idea to ever have George W. Bush leading our country.
In any group of people, there's always an idiot or two. I just wish some of them would shut the hell up about certain things. You can have your tea party whenever and wherever you want, but please stop judging people.
The fact that I even felt the need to type this out is just silly. The fact that I felt the need to explain some things on the subject is silly. The entire blog post should have just said "Shut the fuck up, you bigots."
*Stepping off my soapbox now*
Thanks for reading this. If you're an ultra conservative against gay marriage, please comment or email me a rebuttal if you can. I'd (honestly) love to hear another point of view. My friends don't think like that and I can't even wrap my head around it. So, please share with me if you can.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Captain Obvious!
I see funny things on the internet that aren't so obvious, I guess. Either that or I'm just good at noticing the little things. Or maybe, I just have a simple mind that thinks most things are silly. I'm a firm believer that humor can be found in just about anything. (anything but flying spiders - that's just frightening)
Facebook is now recommending things it thinks I will like because the internet is getting way too smart. A lot of these recommendations are based on other pages that I've "liked" and the suggestions look a little bit like this:
No shit? People that like NPR also have a sense of humor? I also got one that said "Tom Waits - Many who like Man Man like this." For those of you that don't know, Tom Waits is a musical Facebook is also really good at making me feel pretty worthless by reminding me that I have no friends in Jacksonville.
Facebook is trying to be a good friend here and recommend things I might like, and let me know just how many *potential* friends I could make in Jacksonville. Facebook isn't very good at calming me. Facebook is a bad friend.But, there's always Google. Google and I have been good friends for a long time. When I have a question about something life-threatening, something of little interest, or even something that will help me win a bet, Google is there for me. Google even tries to fill in the rest of the search bar when I look for something just to keep me from having to type it out. For example, when wondering how my baby was developing when I was 23 weeks pregnant, all I had to type in was "23" and Google finished it with "weeks pregnant." Brilliant! Sometimes, though, Google is either (a) wrong or (b) assuming I'm a sadistic fuck that blacks out in fits of fatal rage.
One of those things is not like the other.
The internet, in general, is in control of a lot more than we think. Do I think computers will take over after somehow gaining artificial intelligence? No.
Well.
At least not in my lifetime, anyway.
Here's a fine example of how the internet was trying to throw the last Presidential election through subliminal messages:
Notice the date there. Just two weeks before the election. Tisk tisk, internet.
I've saved the best one for last. My personal favorite example of how targeting you internet advertising market isn't working.
Friday, July 30, 2010
In My RIGHT Mind*
Jacksonville, my current home town, is one of the most segregated cities I've been to. There are several neighborhoods and they are all made up of people of the same race and financial class. For example, the beaches are made up of mostly middle class white people, Avondale is made up of mostly upper class white people, Springfield is mostly poor black people (and a few hipsters), and Riverside is mostly 20-somethings that work in the restaurant industry (and a few hipsters). I live in Murray Hill which is, essentially, old white people waiting to die (and a few hipsters) surrounded by bad neighborhoods. My neighborhood is quite nice, but the surrounding streets are filled with ghetto.
Winn-Dixie is the closest grocery store to my house, and although I much prefer Publix, I end up at Winn-Dixie when I need something quick. I hate that place and the people that shop there. Every time I go in there I leave with raised blood pressure while questioning my political beliefs and "the system."
I go there to buy a few necessary things:
Diapers (because my baby goes through a lot of them)
Jelly (because all I can afford to eat for lunch is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
Store brand chips (because I can't afford Lays or Ruffles)
and Milk (so I can whip up some amazing Hamburger Helper for dinner)
We eat Hamburger Helper twice a week as a "fancy" dinner. We have not had steaks, chicken or fresh vegetables in quite some time. We don't have money because we spent $650/month for health care while I was pregnant and I'm on an unpaid maternity leave. Plus, the added expense of diapers, formula and tons of doctor's visits.
I was one of the 55 million uninsured Americans when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately applied for Medicaid but was denied because I "make too much money." I was also denied short term disability so my time off work would be completely unpaid.
So, I'm in Winn-Dixie buying scraps of food in order to not starve every day and I see a girl a little younger than me. She's in her early 20s and pregnant. She's pushing a cart with two other children in it, one about 4 years old and the other was about 3. The 3 year old was looking through her mom's Coach bag for her Channel lipstick. I watched her as she made her selection of steak cuts from the meat section. I was jealous, as I have not purchased any luxuries in quite some time.
I made my way through the store and to the check out line, where she was in front of me with her kids and her fine meat products. I watch her place steaks, formula, salad, potatoes, cookies, cereal and a cake onto the food treadmill and eventually pull out her EBT card to pay for it all. She was using food stamps. Government money. Taxpayer's money to buy these things, these delicious delicious things.
Here she is, probably unemployed as it is the middle of a week day, buying food I can't afford with money that's coming out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them. Pregnant with her third child, using Medicaid to pay for her doctor's visits. Medicaid that comes out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them.
The system, as it stands basically breaks down like this:
Work hard to just make enough to get by on your own - no help for you in case of an unexpected pregnancy or any other life-changing situation that may hinder your ability to buy decent things.
Have a couple of kids and sit on your ass all day - have everything for free!!
I've even seen commercials recently that explain that if you're already receiving free health care and food stamps, you can probably get a cell phone for free, too! My God! Why do any of us actually work in the first place? Oh yeah, to buy ghetto child-factories steaks.
This instance was not a first. Every time I'm in that store I see the same thing, and every time it causes me to rant about how these people are getting handouts when I, and actually contributor to society, can't afford more than peanut butter.
*WARNING: If read incorrectly, this blog may lead reader to believe the writer is a republican. Failure to notice the writer is actually quite liberal may result in inappropriate comments, unruly political debates, internet bullying, sarcasm, internal injury or even death. Please use precaution when reading this blog post as the writer will not be held responsible for improper interpretation.
Winn-Dixie is the closest grocery store to my house, and although I much prefer Publix, I end up at Winn-Dixie when I need something quick. I hate that place and the people that shop there. Every time I go in there I leave with raised blood pressure while questioning my political beliefs and "the system."
I go there to buy a few necessary things:
Diapers (because my baby goes through a lot of them)
Jelly (because all I can afford to eat for lunch is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
Store brand chips (because I can't afford Lays or Ruffles)
and Milk (so I can whip up some amazing Hamburger Helper for dinner)
We eat Hamburger Helper twice a week as a "fancy" dinner. We have not had steaks, chicken or fresh vegetables in quite some time. We don't have money because we spent $650/month for health care while I was pregnant and I'm on an unpaid maternity leave. Plus, the added expense of diapers, formula and tons of doctor's visits.
I was one of the 55 million uninsured Americans when I found out I was pregnant. I immediately applied for Medicaid but was denied because I "make too much money." I was also denied short term disability so my time off work would be completely unpaid.
So, I'm in Winn-Dixie buying scraps of food in order to not starve every day and I see a girl a little younger than me. She's in her early 20s and pregnant. She's pushing a cart with two other children in it, one about 4 years old and the other was about 3. The 3 year old was looking through her mom's Coach bag for her Channel lipstick. I watched her as she made her selection of steak cuts from the meat section. I was jealous, as I have not purchased any luxuries in quite some time.
I made my way through the store and to the check out line, where she was in front of me with her kids and her fine meat products. I watch her place steaks, formula, salad, potatoes, cookies, cereal and a cake onto the food treadmill and eventually pull out her EBT card to pay for it all. She was using food stamps. Government money. Taxpayer's money to buy these things, these delicious delicious things.
Here she is, probably unemployed as it is the middle of a week day, buying food I can't afford with money that's coming out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them. Pregnant with her third child, using Medicaid to pay for her doctor's visits. Medicaid that comes out of my paychecks as long as I'm actually getting them.
The system, as it stands basically breaks down like this:
Work hard to just make enough to get by on your own - no help for you in case of an unexpected pregnancy or any other life-changing situation that may hinder your ability to buy decent things.
Have a couple of kids and sit on your ass all day - have everything for free!!
I've even seen commercials recently that explain that if you're already receiving free health care and food stamps, you can probably get a cell phone for free, too! My God! Why do any of us actually work in the first place? Oh yeah, to buy ghetto child-factories steaks.
This instance was not a first. Every time I'm in that store I see the same thing, and every time it causes me to rant about how these people are getting handouts when I, and actually contributor to society, can't afford more than peanut butter.
*WARNING: If read incorrectly, this blog may lead reader to believe the writer is a republican. Failure to notice the writer is actually quite liberal may result in inappropriate comments, unruly political debates, internet bullying, sarcasm, internal injury or even death. Please use precaution when reading this blog post as the writer will not be held responsible for improper interpretation.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Advertisements Gone Wild
I'm a fan of free stuff. Who isn't?
A few weeks ago, my dad came to visit and meet his new grand daughter. He didn't want to miss anything while he was here, so there was always a camera pointed at her (she's used to it). He would switch back and fourth between his still camera and his new handy little camcorder. Knowing that he was ungodly poor, I asked about the camcorder and learned that he had "won" it from marlboro.com.
Hm. They're killing him, but at least they're giving him free stuff!
Because I learned everything I know from my parents, I too smoke the Marlboro brand. Cowboy killers (good thing I'm not a cowboy). Delicious.
So, with my next pack, I took the promo code off the insert and went over to marlboro.com to get all my free stuff! My dad, so far, has gotten a Weber grill, a poker chip set, a deck of cards, a camcorder and a leather key chain. (All good things to have, especially if they're free)
I have an iron bottle opener headed my way. Its no camcorder, but it's a start.
While on marlboro.com, I saw an advertisement. It wasn't a "commercial" because cigarette companies are no longer allowed to advertise on TV or in magazines.
In this commercial (that I was unable to embed due to copyright issues) you see a group of executives sitting around a conference table. One of the guys leaves the table to go outside to have a delicious cigarette (he's not a cowboy either). While he is gone, the CEO comes in and tells the other employees about their "annual trip to the Bahamas," but that one of them must stay behind to "hold down the fort." Of course, the rest of the group volunteers the guy that is outside smoking revealing the moral of the story: Don't ever miss a moment, use Marlboro Snus instead of smoking cigarettes when you're at work. Thiscommercial advertisement made me angry.
First of all, if you're about to start a meeting, you don't go take a smoke break. You would have taken this break a good 20 minutes before said meeting, allowing you time to get outside and back in with 10 minutes to spare. Second, you should be able to smoke at your conference table to begin with! Now, obviously, companies don't just send people to the Bahamas and even if they did, they wouldn't leave a fellow upper-management guy behind. They'd have middle management take care of it.
At the end of thecommercial advertisement, you see the smoker outside of the office building enjoying his delicious cowboy-killing cigarette a comfortable 20 feet away from the entrance of the building. He takes in a long, beautiful drag and while he exhales he says "wow, the sun feels great."
Even though he has missed out on a meeting and has been denied a trip to the Bahamas, they still have to show that he is, in fact, enjoying that cigarette.
Queue the slogan "Never miss a thing" and the vocal equivalent of fine print: "this product may cause mouth cancer."
Yum.
A few weeks ago, my dad came to visit and meet his new grand daughter. He didn't want to miss anything while he was here, so there was always a camera pointed at her (she's used to it). He would switch back and fourth between his still camera and his new handy little camcorder. Knowing that he was ungodly poor, I asked about the camcorder and learned that he had "won" it from marlboro.com.
Hm. They're killing him, but at least they're giving him free stuff!
Because I learned everything I know from my parents, I too smoke the Marlboro brand. Cowboy killers (good thing I'm not a cowboy). Delicious.
So, with my next pack, I took the promo code off the insert and went over to marlboro.com to get all my free stuff! My dad, so far, has gotten a Weber grill, a poker chip set, a deck of cards, a camcorder and a leather key chain. (All good things to have, especially if they're free)
I have an iron bottle opener headed my way. Its no camcorder, but it's a start.
While on marlboro.com, I saw an advertisement. It wasn't a "commercial" because cigarette companies are no longer allowed to advertise on TV or in magazines.In this commercial (that I was unable to embed due to copyright issues) you see a group of executives sitting around a conference table. One of the guys leaves the table to go outside to have a delicious cigarette (he's not a cowboy either). While he is gone, the CEO comes in and tells the other employees about their "annual trip to the Bahamas," but that one of them must stay behind to "hold down the fort." Of course, the rest of the group volunteers the guy that is outside smoking revealing the moral of the story: Don't ever miss a moment, use Marlboro Snus instead of smoking cigarettes when you're at work. This
First of all, if you're about to start a meeting, you don't go take a smoke break. You would have taken this break a good 20 minutes before said meeting, allowing you time to get outside and back in with 10 minutes to spare. Second, you should be able to smoke at your conference table to begin with! Now, obviously, companies don't just send people to the Bahamas and even if they did, they wouldn't leave a fellow upper-management guy behind. They'd have middle management take care of it.
At the end of the
Even though he has missed out on a meeting and has been denied a trip to the Bahamas, they still have to show that he is, in fact, enjoying that cigarette.
Queue the slogan "Never miss a thing" and the vocal equivalent of fine print: "this product may cause mouth cancer."
Yum.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Social Networking Fashion Trends
Recently I've found that "skinny jeans" are all the rage with young hipsters. The first time I saw a pair was at the Mall of Georgia about five years ago. I couldn't understand how this kid (a guy) could (a) find pants that small or (b) fit into them. I was positive this wouldn't catch on because it looks as completely ridiculous as these guys wearing their belts just above the knee.
Sadly, I was wrong and skinny jeans were flying off shelves everywhere. The Gap even found a way to use old pictures of Audry Hepburn to advertise them.
This advertisement proves two things:
(1) royalty rights will pay off forever
(2) Fashion trends are rarely "new" and tend to cycle through every 30 years or so.
That's why I'm refusing to delete my MySpace profile.
Hear me out.
Back in the 90s, bellbottoms came back into style. Why? Well, that's a question no one can answer seriously, but that's beside the point. When I was an easily influenced teenager in the 90s, I bought a pair of bellbottoms. (Don't hate) I thought I was cool in them. (stop hating)
Well, I thought I was cool in them until my friend Lisa showed up at school rocking her mom's old bellbottoms straight out of the 60s. Damn. I can't compare my lame ass Gap bellbottom jeans to these authentic jeans that still smelled like Woodstock. I was quite jealous of Lisa, who always found a way to bring the rarity of her jeans into every conversation around the lunch table for an entire semester. (bitch)
Anyway, I refuse to delete my MySpace profile for that reason. The same reason Lisa's mom didn't throw those jeans away. Will it make me cool later when people go back to the site and see that I've been a dedicated member since 2005? Will Tom notice I'm the only member left in three years and send me some of his cash for sticking with him all these years? Probably not. But at least I know there's a glimmer of hope for finally getting back at Lisa and feeling like I'm, for once, on top of the fashion game.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thoughts on being a mom and why that's the only thing on my mind.
Here's a small list of things I promise not to do as a mother:
1. Make a profile for my baby on a social networking site. This is ridiculous. These days, you're born and you get a birth certificate, a social security number, a hat and a social networking site profile. The government and hospital are to blame for the first three, and the lame parents should be shot for the last one.
2. Swear that my child is the cutest ever. I know she'll be beautiful to me, but I also hope to understand that not everyone will agree. I mean, she could look like this:
3. Set my profile picture on any social networking site to a picture of my baby. No. This is my profile, not hers.
4. Swear my baby is smarter than she should be for her age. "OMG, she raised her hand today, she must be a genius!"
5. Only speak to her in "baby talk." I hear they will grow up with a better vocabulary if they are spoken to like normal people rather than a baby. I will offer my daughter a bottle, not a "baba" and she will eat food, not "num nums."
Friday, April 16, 2010
Deep Thoughts (Without Jack Handy)
I miss that segment. Along with the good old days of SNL. Those two thoughts are unrelated to the post.
According to this cool app I have on my phone, I'm going to have a baby in 7 weeks and 2 days. Doctors agree that's about the right amount of time, though it could be more or less, but that's not important. Point is, my life is going to change.
No more jumping in the car to get coffee without packing a diaper bag. No more running into the gas station to buy overpriced cigarettes (people frown on leaving a baby in your car while you shop). No more staying out all night or random weekend trips because I feel like it. All small sacrifices for what people keep telling me will be "the best thing I'll ever do in my life."
Let's focus on that statement for just a second. Really? Is this the best thing I'll *ever* do in my life? Because that seems a bit extreme, doesn't it? I knew a girl in high school that had two kids before she finally dropped out. Is that the best thing she ever did? I know it's a big deal, and it will change everything I know about life for the better, but I hope I have a bit more to contribute to society than producing a mini-me. Then again, she could be the savior of the free world, and in that case, I guess they're right.
My daughter, Kennedy, has a pretty good chance at being somewhat successful amongst her peers. I mean, my husband and I look around the waiting room at the preggo doctor's office, and we're pretty sure we're doing everyone a favor by combating the abundance of idiocracy being bred ten fold. I had a conversation with a co-worker who's brother has (count them) FIFTEEN children running around the Jacksonville area, while he is being lovingly cared for in a New York rehabilitation institution where he's not allowed outside for the next 7 - 10 years. Apparently, for every one child I have, this guy makes a small colony, and excuse me, but that ain't right.
I sat down to write this with a specific goal and I'm afraid I've veered so far off subject that I can't even begin to transition into what I wanted to say without posing something ridiculous in between to maybe divide this blog into two. (maybe a run-on sentence will do? No? Ok...)
Gross.Anyway, on to my deep thoughts. One year ago my life was, well, lacking. I had no drive or purpose. No direction. Very little enthusiasm about anything other than drinking my life away. I had a pretty cool boyfriend (now my husband), but that was about it.
Now, though, I have a reason to keep going. Something to look forward to every day, new goals and exciting events that will span for the rest of my life, and that makes me really happy. That is all.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Midgets
My internet is down. Obviously, if you’re reading this, I got it back up, but as of press time I am unable to do any research for my own personal fulfillment. Basically, I’m saying that this blog will be posted with absolutely no research, therefore, my numbers may be a tad off.
Question at hand: Midgets make up what percentage of the World’s population?
Now, before I get into my own theories, let me explain that I am addicted to the internet. Mostly, for social networking and the occasional flash game, but really it’s the abundance of information at my fingertips that brings me to google and wikipedia daily. If I have a problem or a question of any kind, I’ll go to yahoo questions before I phone a friend.
From time to time, I need to know a semi-random fact. In this case, how many midgets there are for every 100 non-midgets. Personally, I’m not sure where I fall in, measuring in at just under 5 feet tall. I think that technically makes me a midget, but again, I’m without internets so I can’t say for sure.
I thought maybe 1%. No, that can’t be right. If you go to a concert with 3,000 people at it, you’re not going to see 30 midgets. Maybe the percentage is higher, though. If you’ve ever seen a certain Judy Garland film, you’ll notice that in the first scene in color there are hundreds of midgets and only three normal sized people, and one of those people is a dog, so I’m not sure that counts. But if you based your numbers on this certain scene, you’d think that non-midgets were the minority.
In my life, I’ve met two. I’ve met a lot of people, and only two of them are of such small stature. Wait, I’m remembering one that a childhood friend had living in her basement, so I guess my total is up to three. TLC would have you believe that the whole world, or at least the whole world of reality TV is made up of nothing but midgets. Shows like “Little People Big World” introduced most of us to the life of a small human, but really, how often do you actually see one?
Question at hand: Midgets make up what percentage of the World’s population?
Now, before I get into my own theories, let me explain that I am addicted to the internet. Mostly, for social networking and the occasional flash game, but really it’s the abundance of information at my fingertips that brings me to google and wikipedia daily. If I have a problem or a question of any kind, I’ll go to yahoo questions before I phone a friend.
From time to time, I need to know a semi-random fact. In this case, how many midgets there are for every 100 non-midgets. Personally, I’m not sure where I fall in, measuring in at just under 5 feet tall. I think that technically makes me a midget, but again, I’m without internets so I can’t say for sure.
I thought maybe 1%. No, that can’t be right. If you go to a concert with 3,000 people at it, you’re not going to see 30 midgets. Maybe the percentage is higher, though. If you’ve ever seen a certain Judy Garland film, you’ll notice that in the first scene in color there are hundreds of midgets and only three normal sized people, and one of those people is a dog, so I’m not sure that counts. But if you based your numbers on this certain scene, you’d think that non-midgets were the minority.
In my life, I’ve met two. I’ve met a lot of people, and only two of them are of such small stature. Wait, I’m remembering one that a childhood friend had living in her basement, so I guess my total is up to three. TLC would have you believe that the whole world, or at least the whole world of reality TV is made up of nothing but midgets. Shows like “Little People Big World” introduced most of us to the life of a small human, but really, how often do you actually see one?
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